The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #199 Thu 12.31.09

To wrap up this whirlwind of a year, Jim and I discussed many a New Year's Eve tradition. And the all important distinction between Guy Lombardo and Vince Lombardi. It's subtle, but it's there. If you don't know who either of them are, well, all the more reason to listen at Hear Jane on www.thejaneellen.com.

New Year's has never been a favorite "holiday" of mine as I don't trust other people on the road and have no desire to mix it up with them. If you are out and about feel free to be wary. Drive safe. And there is never, ever, any reason to drink and drive. Ever.

Jim claims that I cast spells on places in which I used to live and found a story about a whacked out mom from Fredericksburg, VA. Oh, it's mighty entertaining. Well, scary really. Fortunately, her kids are OK. Now. And no, I didn't know her.

Do I have a resolution? No. I don't make them. Hard to mess with perfection really. We did discuss a Gallup Poll of most admired people. I had a hard time with that too. Jim said apparently I only admired myself. See, I don't admire people for simply being famous. The people on the list weren't on mine. I have nothing against those on the list. I just felt they were there because those being asked expected them to answer with those names, like Oprah. I have no Oprah issues, expect perhaps jealousy over her brilliant marketing. You know what I mean? Anyway, I admire my friend Shan most more than the former first lady. You see, I actually know Shan. I'm also the type of person who doesn't respect you because you have a title. I respect you only if you earn my respect.

On the other hand, Wendy found me some really cool wetsuits that look like original series Star Trek uniforms. Suh-weet.

Have a wonderful New Year. The show will be back Monday. Site updates will be there this weekend, the good Lord willing, the creek don't rise, and Brien's computers don't get more viruses. Thank you for a great first year with www.thejaneellen.com. I appreciate it.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #198 Wed 12.30.09

Adam Cravens and I enjoyed our special time together, the last show we would do for 2009. Don't worry, Adam and I will do more next week. We geeked out talking about the Family Guy DVD Something Something Dark Side. We chatted about Adam's Christmas gifts, something we had entirely overlooked before. We did not write a song for Brien as it had made his stomach churn on Tuesday. Hilarious as we found it. The window to his soul is now shut to us. I really let Adam have free reign, as I usually do. Lot's of geek speak. It felt good.

We talked about when it is appropriate to speak to someone in a urinal. And how many urinals will now have an image of a fly in them because it seems guys like to aim and it they like to aim at bugs. Seems having the image of a bug is so enticing that it drastically reduces spillage. No joke.

Adam will be adding to Geek Chic in the coming weeks. More changes are coming to the website. Photo shoots of the sci-fi pleasing nature are being planned. Lots of goodies are coming your way. And if you are in the Nashville area, you don't want to miss A Fashion Affair January 30. Details at www.thejaneellen.com. And remember, you can hear all our podcasts on iTunes or by clicking on Hear Jane.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #197 Tue 12.29.09

Ah, Tuesday. Adam Cravens and I had a bang up quality comedy show if I must say so myself. It was a show of much celebration. Wendy, who kindly does much of our research for us, had her 31st birthday. Wendy is also responsible for getting the latest book and music releases for the Entertain Yourself Page on www.thejaneellen.com.

We then dissected our Brien Travis. Brien only expresses himself through his music and Adam said artists are like that, music is the window to his soul and so on. Only it's hilarious when Adam says it. Then we started to write a song for Brien. And it went downhill from there.

Adam saw Sherlock Holmes and was pleased with it. We made many double entendres as Adam ate sausage and nuts. Just not together. Plus, we talked about the EW Top 10 movies of the decade. It was a most excellent time.

There's a new recipe of the week posted on how to deal with leftover turkey with a bit of an Asian feel. It's in the Cook Jane section. And everything you want to know about A Fashion Affair is on the main page. Do come, won't you?


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #196

What were the coolest things you were given this Christmas? I'll admit, I was loaded down with some awesome stuff. Here, let me list some for the burglars. Some jewelry from Ireland, a gorgeous faux fur scarf, an amazing black purse, a Beatles belt buckle, and the most divine smelling perfume from SJP called Dawn. I did not, however, receive a Kindle. That little item was the most gifted item purchased from Amazon. It's main competition is the Nook e-reader from Barnes & Noble. (All I'm saying is if they don't do the audio books I just recorded, don't get them.) I am quite the Amazon shopper myself. I did not, however, purchase any of the following. For vdeo games it was the Wii Fit Plus with the Balance Board. I don't see Adam Cravens playing that. Though I'd like to. It would be video-worthy. New Super Mario Brothers and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Microsoft Office Home and Student 2007, the Nokia 5800 Xpress Music, and Brien Travis's Tales of Lazy Wednesdays. Hey, I told you he was big in Japan. What really set Jim off was the fact that Amazon shoppers bought more than 50 times more light therapy devices this season than there are days with sun in the city of Seattle during an entire year. If you would like to hear him go off on how people with SAD lived in the Dark Ages without light therapy devices, click on Hear Jane at www.thejaneellen.com.

New recipe of the week is a saucy way to deal with turkey leftovers. And it has a bit of an Asian twist to it to make a not-so ordinary Turkey Sandwich. Or sure, cut the carbs, make a salad. It's in the Cook Jane section. All the details regarding A Fashion Affair, a charity event featuring the designs of the world famous Manuel, are now up on the main page so read on and do try to attend if you're in Middle Tennessee January 30.

Hey, want to do something really fun? Climb into a cage baited for a large animal with really sharp teeth and make funny faces while you're friend takes pictures. They didn't make it to the Darwin Awards, but almost qualified.

Tuesday Adam Cravens returns to the show. He alleges he is bringing his cousin. I told him he had better be funny. We shall see.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #193 Tue 12.22.09

I have been mocked by several people, and yet others have been amazed at the brilliance behind blending the what we deemed the necessity of holiday baking for gifts and the the planning meeting for A Fashion Affair. We put the two events together and it was divine. More people should have baking meetings. We accomplished a great deal. No joke either. Shan and Stephanie and I produced about 30 gift baskets of homemade treats and I am not bragging when I am saying that if you got one, you were lucky. We got a lot of planning for the event done too. World famous Manuel is not the only designer featured, gown designer Nina D. and furs from Gus Mayer. I will keep you up to date on all you need to know. I will hit you with it at the first of the year. The show is January 30 and I am hosting.

I did geek out a little bit on the way to Franklin because I saw a kingfisher. Hadn't seen one in years and I used to border on being a hardcore birder. Well, Shan had taken a fistful of mocking pills and let me have it with bird questions and there I had to go and answer her and before I knew it I had started to tell her how you had to count them (because there's a trick to it you see) and it all went downhill from there. And then I told her the difference between a red-winged hawk and a sharp-shinned hawk and she feigned interest. Even I could see her eyes glaze over and I was driving.

Jim had some holiday stories to share. He is ever so jolly. Do listen www.thejaneellen.com click on Hear Jane. Jay Frankenfield has shared a lovely recipe and some great things to do in the new Can You Dig It Column. And Jim has written not one but four new book reviews all under Read Jim.

The One About Friends

I write this knowing that as soon as I finish it, I will think of people I have left out. So, at the get go, I make my apologies. Monday I spent the day with two of my friends, Shan and Stephanie. And as we had our now infamous baking meeting (a great way to have a legitimate planning meeting by the way) it dawned on that, as they discussed their piano playing styles and so forth, that I, once again, felt talent-less. I tend to do this around those who can do things I can't do. I am drawn to artists and musician-types probably because I can't do what they can. And am even surprised when they are boggled at each other. For instance. Shan is a classically trained pianist. Brien Travis is not. They are both amazingly brilliant and brag on each other constantly. And yet Brien talks like he can't even play compared to Shan. It's simply apples and oranges. I can't play next to any of them. No fruit sums up my ability. Not even kiwi. And I took lessons. Point being, I feel talent-less. Until it dawned on me. I do have one talent. One amazing talent. One exceptional talent. I excel at picking friends. I really do. Even Shan has told me that if they have passed through my filter then that's good enough for her.

One of my favorite high school teachers, Mrs. Jewel Alexander, said that very few people could maintain a close friendship for more than five years with even as many as five people. I always thought that sad. I have maintained with many people for more years than I care to share with you now. I think almost daily of Chris Sabec and still talk to him and would do pretty much anything I could for him. He's now on the West Coast. But we still talk and every time we do we pick up right where we left off.

I either email, text or talk to Wendy every single day. We met on the first day, first period of high school. Every day we communicate. Wendy is a member of my crack research team on my website. She brings the funny. Sure, I now have thousands of people who check it out every day. But when it first started, I just had Wendy. In my mind, if I can make Wendy laugh then it's a good show.

Same thing with Eda. We've been tight since college. She is the other member of the crack research team and believes I am made for world domination. That is always good to know. Eda, like Wendy, has a real job and yet still takes time to write and do for me. See? I find and hold on to the good ones. It has to be a talent. Because I didn't attend Hogwarts and have not cast a spell that I am aware of.

Brien Travis is the reason www.thejaneellen.com exists. When I was laid off from my radio job he said you are going to do a podcast. I said a whatcast? And that's how it all started. And he is one extremely busy man. I call him my biggest cheerleader, but not in a fem way. He just wouldn't let me stop even when I thought no one was listening or clicking or reading or anything. And now it seems everyone is listening and visiting the website. It's extraordinary. And I owe it all to Brien who designed the website and spends every second of his spare time on it when he should be writing and recording his next album. I am thrilled and yet guilt-ridden at the same time. It's very hard to thank friends like that. It's hard to find friends like that too. They have to find you.

Shan, Beth, Stephanie, Anita, Morgan, Cassie, Nathan, my two Jays, Leslie, Adam, Lori and Joe, I mean I could just start listing how lucky I am to have such great people around me. And, as I said before, I will realize there were 20 more I should mention the minute this is made public. But the point is. I know now I have a wonderful talent and that is amazing friends. And I'm glad you have felt such pity for me to stick around for so long. Please don't go!


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #192 Mon 12.21.09

Yes, it's been awhile. We started back on the podcasts last week and yet, for some reason, I couldn't get my act in gear to write the blogs. I have no valid excuse. I forgot. I forgot armed robbery was illegal. See, that made Wendy laugh. And other Steve Martin fans.

Jim and I talked about Avatar. About how we haven't seen it and it still made around $77 million. I thought it would hit closer to $100 million its opening weekend. However, it is expected to really rake it in when it opens in all the other markets, and, of course, with the DVD sales.

It seems so shocking because she seemed, to me anyway, to stay out of the limelight. Brittany Murphy died Sunday morning of cardiac arrest at the age of 32. I know her best as the voice of Lou Ann from King of the Hill. She made many films including 8 Mile with Eminem. No foul play is suspected. It's just sad. I have no idea if she had a pre-existed heart condition or anything like that. They will perform an autopsy.

Natalie White won the one million dollars on Survivor. Oddly, this is the only season in which I watched none of it. I always watch some Survivor. I feel so out of touch.

I didn't even know they ate horses in France. But yes, they totally do. Last year they ate over 15,000 of them. I don't know if they taste like chicken. Jim went off on how I eat snails. We started to quote O Brother Where Art Thou. And so on.

In New Zealand there has been much debate over a billboard put up by the local Anglican church that has Joseph and Mary in bed and says God, a hard act to follow. Needless to say, the local Catholic church is not amused. And they are not the only ones.

Do look at the website as the Entertain Yourself Page is all new. It's well worth your time with a week's worth of television choices on the Tube Job, music and book releases, DVD's, games, comic books and Hollywood goings-on. And that's just the beginning. Plus, the link to the big fashion show I'm hosting in January. Just go to www.thejaneellen.com.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #187 Tue 12.01.09

I was told it was hug a Catholic Day. Other than my two little girls, nobody hugged me all day. I feel so left out.

Jim and I did a very quick show today. I could say it was all Adam's fault. There, I just did. He said his truck's transmission went out. Then he said it didn't. OK. Just like my sister Patty thought Brien's saying his phone was running out of battery was his way of saying he was just going to end the conversation. Anyway, he alleges he will be doing Wednesday's show with me.

What did we talk about? Um, why I laughed when my sister Judy kept saying the word teabag over and over. (Don't worry, we don't really explain it, you can look it up yourself.)

We went over some great chalkboard gags from The Simpsons 21 glorious years of television. And William Shatner managed to catch and fire, and survive. The man tells a great story.

Why are the shows so short? Well, I am under some serious deadline pressure regarding four audio books. So I am doing some major reading and editing. And I am not alone in it either. I read until my left eye twitches unbearably. Then I sleep some, insert the caffeine IV, then start again. I will let you know when and where you can purchase the books. Oh, I won't make money off of it, but the books are interesting.

The One About Inside Jokes

Many years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I first started my illustrious radio broadcasting career, I remember learning to stay away from inside jokes. Listeners won't get them. It's a turn off. I never agreed with that. When I watched TV shows I loved it when there was an inside joke reference. Oh yeah, or when I listened to the radio. If there was something funny going on, even if I didn't get the whole thing, it amused me. Even better if one day I found out the whole story. I really ought to do this right. Let me Paul Harvey it. The REST of the story. So here are some odds and ends to inside jokes that you a) never even knew existed and b) will now get an explanation to. Here's an inside joke for you. This is the kind of thing I do when I don't have one cohesive idea for an entire column.

My friend Jay. That's Jay from high school. He was on the November 30 podcast so go listen to that one. We call each other cousin. We are not related. He and my sisters went to a Braves game in Atlanta one time. Because they felt everyone had such an outrageous southern accent in Jawgah, they began calling each other cousin. It stuck. Jay and I also refer to him as a minority. When he was a freshman in high school a photo of him appeared in The Oracle where he was identified as minority student Jay. Now, it might have been that he was the only student of Greek origins in a school of roughly four thousand students. In that case, he would have been a minority student. But normally, Greeks are not called minorities. However, Jay is. Jay and I do not say "excuse me" to each other we say "skew me" because we went on a Washington, DC museum excursion on our own and someone who was just near us the whole time kept saying it. You know how when you're in the grocery store and the same person is always with you through the aisles? Well, it was like that. The "skew me" really cracks us up. Feel free to use it. No Jay, I'm not going to talk about the woman saying "a Russian stoooooove" over and over. It just won't be funny to anyone else. I need to move on.

My husband Jim. "We can't leave, we're next to the salad bar." This makes perfect sense. You don't leave cash on the table next to a busy part of a restaurant. That's all. "You're the reason why the cat has no hair on his butt." Jim used to cause our cat, Merlin, who lived to be 16, a lot of stress. I'm sure. I remember saying it for good reason.

Brien Travis. My BFF. Why we call each other dahling. It's short for sweetie dahling. From Absoloutely Fabulous. A brilliant British TV show that ran from 1992 to 2005 that gives us much joy. But you do have to get British humor. Patsy and Edina appeal to us. Even though we are not whacked out drunks with eating disorders. They're right funny. By the way, Brien's CD Tales of Lazy Wednesday's would make the perfect holiday gift. Buy it today at Amazon or iTunes. It's less than ten bucks and would please me to no end. Dahling.

I call my mother Ma-MA because of The Addams Family. I named my first dog Magnum because it's Latin for great and it's in the neutered ending, as opposed to masculine or feminine, and he was neutered, my little joke. My husband's last name is Herrin. I have heron Christmas ornaments and one in the yard. Jim says no one gets that joke. It never fails to amuse me. I could go on. But I have to leave a few things a mystery.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #186 Mon 11.30.09

Jay Thomas joined me on the last day of November's show. Ah, Jay. We've known each other since freshman year of high school. So that's something like 17 years now. We reminisced about how I trained him in radio broadcasting. My theory on why most people in radio are overweight. My sister Judy's interesting way about her. Ah, that's amusing stuff right there. And Jay's history of birthday gifts. You see, he has a December birthday and impressed upon me how he was always short-gifted from family. "This is your birthday and Christmas gift." I always double-gifted because it's not his fault he was born in December. We had a mighty good time with today's show. I suggest you listen at Hear Jane www.thejaneellen.com.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #185 Wed 11.25.09

Thanksgiving Eve and one month away from Christmas. Just putting it into perspective for you. This is a quickie. So swamped. More perspective. The driving. The editing. I'm recording some audio books which I totally expect you to buy. All four are completely different. So I have picked up all sorts of things to file away, as I am wont to do. For instance, did you know that Ulysses S. Grant's real name wasn't Ulysses S. Grant? His middle name didn't start with an S, OK, at this very second it has slipped my mind, but when his paperwork was filled out by a patron for West Point they assumed that his middle name would be his mother's maiden name. Well, it wasn't. But the S. stuck and many in school called him Sam because of it. See? A wee bit of trivia. He tried to correct them, but it just wasn't happening.

Paula Deen got smacked in the face with a ham. She was helping to unload a truck for charity and some joker thought he would toss one like a football. That's never a good idea. It did not bust her lip, it just felt like it did. So she put a stick of butter on it and went about her business. She is, for real, cousin, to our Brien Travis. Ya'll.

Just because I know what it's like to be briefly paralyzed and yet cognizant of my surroundings I can only know what it was on an extremely small scale what Rom Houben has been going through. And I mean on an extremely small scale. 23 years ago he was in a wreck. He was pretty much written off as being in a persistent vegetative state. But guess what, he wasn't. He just couldn't tell anyone his brain was fine. Just recently technology caught up with him and they discovered his brain was normal. Now he is hooked up to a machine that allows him to talk through a computer and to read. Thank God. Unfortunately, he is still paralyzed and will never leave the hospital but at least he is not as trapped. Horrific.

Well, travel safely if you are on the road. There won't be a podcast on Thursday. I don't know about Friday or Monday yet. I have to finish these audio books for which I am paid obscene amounts of money. Oh, sorry, my fantasy finished the sentence. For which I am paid. I have a deadline that must and will be met. I will let you know when and where they are available.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #184 Tue 11.24.09

Christmas Eve. One month from today. Just throwing that out there.

Also out there, Glambert's performance on the AMA's has continued to ruffle a few feathers. Seems the dancer's face was not that close to his groin in rehearsal and the kiss with the band member wasn't in rehearsal at all. He says he likes to improvise. He recovered nicely from his tumble which wasn't planned and showed he was singing live which I appreciated. I also appreciated his going for some sort of show and spectacle. I appreciated his desire to make an impression and really package and market himself. He has always known who he is. And, in most cases, any press is good press. And this has certainly garnered him press. However, it's not like it was a great vocal, and he can deliver that. It kind of seemed all over the place. I wasn't offended by any of it. I just thought there was too much going on and the sound quality was off.

Adam was on the show and had quite the discussion over his BFF Vic and whether or not they had ever gone mano a mano and just blocked it out. Because they have been mistaken for a gay couple for years. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I asked if their respective wives were beards. Adam said not any longer. Anyway, it was quite revealing.

John Mayer seems to be so stuck on himself that he announced that he should be having more sex with girls. Or sex with more girls. Or some such nonsense. I don't even want to talk about it.

Adam's wife got him to see New Moon and he did say the production values are way above those of Twilight. So there's that. And then, to take the bad taste away for him, I had him quote lines from Wrath of Khan. Which brought us to Star Trek VI and then Sound of Music and my brilliant idea. What if the Sound of Music was performed entirely in Klingon? Sad thing is, it's probably already been done.

Today's show is short but incredibly entertaining. Listen at www.thejaneellen.com Hear Jane. And there's new stuff on the main page, Entertain Yourself, and Cook Jane, so get on it. Plus we have two more gift certificates to Manhattan Salon to give away for chemical peels so sign up today.


The One About Christmas Songs

I am a sucker for holiday music. I fully realize it makes some people cringe. I don't play it in April or anything like that. However, that could be why I love it so. I only hear it for a few weeks out of the year and so I look forward to it. I adore a great Christmas album. I believe The Carpenters Christmas Portrait was released in 1978 and features their hit Merry Christmas Darling along with some gorgeous renditions of Ave Maria and instrumentals. It is often described as lush. Well it is certainly gorgeous and I know it note for note.

Same can be said of the entire soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas from the Vince Guaraldi Trio. Linus and Lucy, Skating, Christmastime is Here. Talk about cool and never dated. Again, for me, it's not Christmas without this music.

Songs I love, Bing's version of White Christmas, natch, Tennessee Christmas is such a great song. And I loved it before I even moved to Tennessee. Thank you Gary. Emmylou Harris singing Light of the Stable is worth your time. But, then again, isn't Emmylou singing most anything? Elton John's Step Into Christmas makes me happy. So does the video. Mmmm, cheesy.

I would mention Winter Wonderland, My Favorite Things and Baby It's Cold Outside to annoy my husband because he would say they are not Christmas songs. Oh, and because Brien Travis and I recorded Cold Outside last year, available for download on his website www.brientravis.com and as a ring tone on mine www.thejaneellen.com. This year we are recording What Are You Doing New Year's Eve. Again, not a Christmas song. But close.

Why did I just waste your time listing Christmas songs and albums? Oh, because I forgot you need to get Christmas Cocktails from the Ultra Lounge series. Those are swingin'. Anyway, because I hope that in between the getting run over by a reindeer and walkin' round in women's underwear songs, you might want to try something else. Like Kathy Mattea's Good News. And you can never go wrong with Rosemary Clooney. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I'll come up with. I hope you're not a Christmas song hatah. And if you are, I hope I have suggested something that you try and maybe even like. Just a little bit.

The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #183 Mon 11.23.09

The week of Thanksgiving. My, my, my. Where has the time gone? Let me tell you where your money has gone. To see New Moon. This weekend it made over $140 million. So The Blind Side made just under $35 million. Which is great. But compare it to $140 mil and geeeez. New Moon is quite the hit. As predicted.

Know why Robert Pattinson allegedly smells bad? He was advised that the photographers won't bug him as much if he always wears the same thing. The pictures won't look fresh. And so he wears the same clothes. Thus the odor. Well, that's all well and good but it's not like you can't wash your clothes or just get several of the same outfits. You don't have to smell bad.

Jim had much to say about my performance in the Larry the Cable Guy Hula Palooza Christmas Luau. Hey, you could see me a lot in the wrestling scene and and the waiting for Santa scene. There was much remark made by my friends that if I had not leaned over and interacted with the little girl then the scene would have been mostly me from the neck down. To some, my best feature. Anyway, http://www.cmt.com/ has the schedule and it will air many more times.

Do listen to the show. It will entertain. Click on Hear Jane at www.thejaneellen.com. You can also get ringtones for your phone now too. Check out the recipe of the week. It's my mom's cornbread dressing and it is awesome.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #182 Fri 11.20.09

Larry the Cable Guy's Hula Palooza Christmas Luau made its debut on CMT with yours truly. Here's the schedule. I am dressed as a tourist wearing blue and a red head behind the bar, I am with a young blonde girl in the waiting for Santa scene where Larry and Tony Orlando are playing kids (I'm in a green sweater and khakis), and I'm totally in the wrestling scene on the right of your screen holding a poster. Pretty much in line with the Kris Kringle shots. I'm wearing grey, top row. Can't miss me with this platinum hair. And at the end of the show we all go on stage. And going in and out of commercials there's all the bad dancing sooooo, enjoy that.

Lost returns on February 2, 2010. Which is good news. But the bad news is that it's the final season.

Oprah will wrap her show in September 2011. I imagine I will be her replacement. I have quite an imagination.

Movies out are The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Planet 51, The Blind Side and Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.

Have a fantastic weekend.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary # 181 Thu 11.19.09

What a threesome. Me. Adam Cravens. And he's a superstar in Japan Brien Travis. Even Nathan Stoops phoned in for a wee bit. Quite frankly, I was in a tizzy. Because the bulk of the show was me and Brien and Adam and I, I used the term threesome. Which led to the word orgy, because in college Brien walked in on one, and quickly walked out. We then wondered how many people constitute an orgy. We have collectively decided it is five. None of us have participated or plan to, but have decided that five, being an odd number, means that something is going on that require a special word like orgy.

Already you have to hear this show to appreciate it. Go to Hear Jane at www.thejaneellen.com. We talked about how Will Ferrell tops the Forbes list because he makes a lot of money but his movies don't. We chatted about how Miley Cyrus used odd word choices saying she doesn't believe in New Moon or something like that. Well, we don't believe in vampires either, but the books do exist so what exactly did she mean, or was she misquoted?

Adam did his awesome Will Smith imitation. Oh, seriously, just listen to the show. It's just one of my favorites. And it ends with a song. Brien covered the Joni Mitchell song River. And you get to hear it. So there.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #180 Wed 11.18.09

DWTS final three is Donny and Kym, Mya and Dmitry, Kelly and Louis. Had Maks and I been allowed to compete...Oh yeah, I wasn't asked. Yet. Donny Osmond does have a fan base older than Mya and Kelly put together. And if all his family votes he is sure to win. If my memory serves me correctly, he has made it as far as Marie did.

Donner, party of four? Ah cannibalism. Not for everyone. Sure it's funny when it's hundreds of years old. Not so much when it just happened in Moscow. Seems these three homeless guys killed and then chopped up a 25-year-old man. After they ate what they want they tried to sell what was left to a place that made kebobs. Which led Jim and I to a discussion of whether or not if your life depended on it, and the person was already dead and you had nothing to do with it, would you eat another human? Jim won't even eat seafood so, uh, no for him. But he would drink his own urine.

Ken Ober passed away this weekend at the far too young age of 52. We listened to a brief clip from Remote Control, the show he hosted on MTV. The category was Gershwin, Beethoven, or Partridge Family. I enjoyed it immensely.

You will have to hear the show in which I think I admit that there isn't any guy I can think of that I want to see completely naked. Just partially. Go to Hear Jane at www.thejaneellen.com. I certainly don't want to see the joker who thought he was a ninja and got his butt impaled on a fence. Not now anyway. Oh, he was drunk, what a surprise.

Have a fab Wednesday. I have many audio books to record. My dulcet tones are wanted.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #179 Tue 11.17.09

Monday, it was the Golden Girls. Today, it's phthalates. Chemicals found in nail polish and all sorts of stuff. Someone thought to do a study on phthalates. Seems it affects the testosterone level in the masculine brain when pregnant mothers are exposed to phthalates. The result is phthalate exposure leads to boys who do not exhibit stereotypical boy play behavior. It does not affect girls by the way. Now, they're not saying it makes you gay. They're just sayin'.

Kris Allen's new album came out today. It's getting meh reviews. But hey, Andrew Frampton was one of the producers (I suppose Peter was busy). It's got 13 songs on it and he has a songwriting credit on nine of them. Glambert's For Your Entertainment makes its debut a week from today.

Things blew up reeeeeeeeeaaaaal good in 2012. Which is why it's doing so well overseas. It has set a global record for an opening weekend raking in $225 million worldwide. By the way, if you've never seen Second City TV, from Canada, eh. They did a bit where they blew up things real good. The sketch was called The Farm Film Report. Good times.

We also discuss the lawsuit over the name of the Washington Redskins. I find the name Gamecocks and Morehead more offensive. But that's just me.

Friday, CMT 8pm CST Larry the Cable Guy Hula Palooza Christmas Luau. Look for me. I was actually there. On the stage. Not in the audience. Man that craft services was the bomb. Wish it was here at the house. Well, actually, better that it is not.

The One About Words

I love big words. Perhaps, not as much as Lara Flynn Boyle's character in the 1994 film Threesome. Big words really floated her boat. Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan. But they've never satisfied me that much. Yet.

Language has always had great allure for me. I studied Greek and Latin. And briefly entertained the thought of Russian because. Wait for it. Wait for it. Because I thought it would be fun. Yeah, and like Greek, it's an entirely different alphabet. I. Thought. It. Would. Be. Fun.

I find some words inherently funny or delicious to say. I am certainly not the first or last to appreciate the beauty of the use of language by a great writer such as Shakespeare. Duh. I have had much time to think of my love of big words because I have started to record audio books. The one I'm just finished is called Lost and Philosophy. It ties in TV show Lost with philosophical concepts. And you know those philosophers like Plato and Sartre, well, they don't just ten dollar words, they use twenty dollar ones. And sometimes in different languages. It has been a delight.

I've said beneficence, sadism, internal determinism, guerrilla ontology, and that's just the beginning. Throw in a bit of relativism here and there and a whole lot of French and German and Greek philosophers with their two cents and it's been a hey day for my mouth. Luckily, I could already say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Thank goodness.

My love of big words also leads to a love a turn of a phrase, which, for me, is connected to music. I do not tend to read poetry very often. I'm not against it. I just never took to it. Though I appreciate a lovely poem, naturally. I realize that lyrics are just poetry set to music. I believe that statement also called for a Duh to follow it.

Some lines that please me, from The Beatles Norwegian Wood "I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me." From Mary Chapin Carpenter's It Don't Bring You "Now there's a hole here in my pocket where all my dreams have gone, Fallen out like so many nickels and dimes." From Brien Travis's Dispatches (buy it now on Tales of Lazy Wednesdays at iTunes and Amazon) "And I'm hoping to catch fire again with these matches, As I sit and drink a few, Sending out these little dispatches, A couple of ounces for you."

The turn of the phrase in the entire film of My Fair Lady from 1964 is nothing short of brilliant. Well, it as all about language now isn't it? It is a well-written film that appeals to me the most. I go for dialogue then imagery. I can appreciate a well-shot film. But if the words are poorly strung together and ponderous then I am not going to participate in the snooze-fest.

Give me something to wrap my mind and mouth around. (And get your mind out of the gutter for once.) Don't be afraid of big words. They are precise and exist for a reason. Don't say chew if what you really mean is masticate. I know I don't walk, I prance. And slink. But plain walk? Even I know I don't do that. Haven't done that for years. Words are wonderful. Open your mouth and speak them clearly. Mumbling will get you nowhere. I do not speak mumble.

Use a big, glorious, stupendous word today. It will feel exquisite.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #178 Mon 11.16.09

John Cusack loves me. I assume. And that was before 2012 made scads of money this past weekend.

Go to www.beautifulpeople.com. They say the British are the ugliest people in the world. Brazilian and Scandinavians are the most attractive. There are 360,000 members who vote on the applicants and they have rejected 1.8 million of them. I have the urge to sign up and see if they will accept me. I'm not planning to date anyone. Being married and all. Just curious.

Justin Halpern's 73 year old dad may be the basis for a TV show. And it's all because he's funny. Justin has been posting things his dad says on Twitter and over 700,000 people follow him. Things like: "Why would I want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If I want to talk to you, I'll answer." "I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it. No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."

Some group wrote a manifesto saying, and this is for real so I will quote it it that "The Golden Girls seized upon this opportunity to cross the hormonal wires of America's lost generation...Our horny, lonely boys sought out intimate comforts with like minded Golden Girls addicts who didn't mind each other's theatrical voices and touch-feely hand gestures." They also blamed Duran Duran too. Yes, it's real. Real ridiculous. All Golden Girls ever gave me an urge for was cheesecake.

New stuff on the website. Look.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #177 Fri 11.13.09

Friday the 13th. That's today. In case you didn't notice. Or care. Triskadekaphobia. Fear of the number 13. You got that? I hope not. OK, had an issue with today's show. Man it was really hilarious. Not that we didn't deliver. But man, the Adam show was awesome. However. The computer sort of, let's see, shut down before it saved. A few corrupted files here and there and you only get part of the show. Sure, I could've edited all out, but I'm having a slacker Friday. So what you get is part of the Adam show wrapped up with the Jim show. Boy, that Adam show sure was great. wish you could've heard it. Sigh.

Movies out:
Fantastic Mr. Fox PG family animated with George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Cate Blanchett and Bill Murray, three Oscar winners, one nominated. Pirate Radio R comedy with Philip Seymour Hoffman about pirate radio in Britain in the 60's. 2012 PG 13 sci-fi Roland Emmerich blows up a lot of stuff because the Mayan calendar said so. John Cusack loses the sensitive stuff this time and just goes for the CGI. Man, he digs me.

Some chick asked where I got my lips done the other day. I had to break it to her that neck down, done, lips, actually mine. Then you have to listen to the stream of consciousness that continues until the end of the show. My gift to you.

Enjoy your weekend.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #176 Thu 11.12.09

Little Jimmy Dickens spoofing Kanye on the CMA's was the highlight of the show. OK, it's all I saw of it. Taylor Swift dominated, even won Entertainer of the year, but at the video award she did not win he interrupted Brad Paisley to say how great her video was. Nicely played.

Jim and I discussed the woman who appeared on Oprah who had been mauled by a chimp earlier this year. It was quite horrific. Chimps can grow up to weigh 200 lbs. Don't know why you would think having one of those around the house would be a good idea.

A guy in Iowa City thought it would be a great idea to use his local CVS as toilet. Oddly enough, he was wasted at the time.

My perfect stylist Shane got hired at Kohl's. How exciting. Love that. Now I'll know the very day the Vera Wang shoes go on sale.

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Hope you don't have an issue with that. Because it's gonna happen.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #175 Wed 11.11.09

Happy Double Eleven Day. My peeps and I decided that as Double Ten day you eat Chinese food on Double Eleven day it should be Italian. Just sayin'.

It was a big, big day. Brien Travis graced me with his presence. He so rarely comes to the show. Oh, we talk about him constantly. But he prefers to remain a mystery. Or he prefers to be building a mystery like his girlfriend Sarah. Oh, while I'm thinking of it, buy his retrospective Tales of Lazy of Wednesdays available now on iTunes and Amazon. Now. Buy it. This blog will be here when you get back.

OK, so a lot of naked on today's show. On, not during. Christian Serrato has done a PETA ad. She's naked in the woods. By the way, New Moon comes out November 20.

More air brushing going on with Demi Moore on the cover of W. She looks great. She talks about how she'd rather be a puma instead of a cougar. You really need to hear that conversation.

Oh, Brien and I are doing another duet for the holidays. You can hear Baby It's Cold Outside on www.youtube.com. And we're going to do What Are You Doing New Year's Eve. Very soon.

The website is down for a wee bit. Issues. Wait until around noon Thursday and all will be restored. Adam will be on tomorrow's show but it won't be until after 3pm cst. Just so you'll know.


The One About the Fun Mom

My friend Eda has labeled me the fun mom. She turns to me for fun mom tips. I did not actively seek this title and yet I welcome it. By the way, I think Eda is a hoot and have no doubt she is a super fun mom. My friend Adam, who has done a lot of before and after school programs and children's theater and has way more kid experience than I'll ever have, has told me that he has never met two children remotely close to Anna Grace and Jenna. He says the different ones are those he finds interesting. Brien is not drawn to children. He asked me why kids are drawn to him. I told him it's like cats. Cats go to people that don't bug them. He doesn't get in a child's face. So they like him. I've only seen him with mine so I only have that to go on, but they are quite taken with him and vice versa. He thinks there are no children more attractive than mine. I would have to agree.

My husband is not necessarily on the same page as I am with the fun mom stuff. But he is elderly and a bit of a stick-in-the-mud. Adam aspires to be him one day. Curmudgeon doesn't quite explain his style. Not just parenting style. Just every day style. Well, not so much a style. Ponderous isn't really a style is it? One of my confidantes said to me recently, "I'm not a people person at all. Then I met Jim. He has me beat." Funny.

OK, fun mom. Here's the thing. I don't recall my mom doing any of this. And I don't remember getting these ideas from anyone else. I just assume most people talk to their kids like I do. There's a Spongebob episode where he goes to a different town and he is not understood because they speak by blowing raspberries between each word. Sometimes the girls and I will talk like that to each other for a good half hour. We play the boring game. That's when I use a particular droning voice to say whatever phrases they come up with. We fly the bed at night. We have to turn it sideways to get out of the house. Then we fly and see what we can see. Jenna usually sees dragons. We fly over our friends' cars, up the mountain, things like that. Sometimes we fly down and look at the cows. Then we fly up to the moon. Flying the bed is tricky business. Takes a lot of flapping.

There's also the color game. I ask them what color so-and-so's shirt was or what color my nail polish is. It has to be something they can't see. I want them to think about details and remember. Then they ask me and each other. And it invariably ends with the same question. In case you didn't know it. All three and four-year-olds find the words butt and poop hilarious and say them non-stop. So they ask me what color is my butt. Naturally, the fun mom has an answer. Don't be shocked. My butt is creamy white. Big surprise there.

We read together, they get bubble baths, I take them to the donut shop where they talk to everyone. They go to Exotic Tropicals in Cookeville and pet the mice, the snakes, the guinea pigs and bunnies. But not all at the same time. We go to Burgess Falls Nursery and learn about flowers and pick rocks and sometimes they go behind the nursery and climb the gravel pile. Yeah, my mom didn't take me to climb rock piles. However, I wasn't raised in a smaller town where we knew many people who owned their own businesses who welcomed cherubs and encouraged their behavior.

I do their hair when they're in the mood though Anna Grace likes hers "crazy." And they do like nail polish and lip gloss most of the time. I have been putting vaseline on their lips since they were hours old. I hate dry lips. I assumed they did too. We accessorize together and the girls can wear my high heels rather well but not out of the house. And I did stop myself from getting them matching leather pants like mine. Seriously, why were they made in that size to begin with? But I walked on by. OK, I touched them. But I didn't take them off the rack. Back off. I only considered it for a second or two. Then thought it would be a little too creepy if we all wore it at the same time. However, the girls would love it as they really like to rock out.

I keep kid music to a minimum. One of their favorite songs is Barrucuda by Heart. They love it that sisters sing it. They also like Cyndi Lauper, The Beatles, Elton John the early stuff not the ponderous stuff he wrote after 1987, and of course, their friend Brien Travis (they highly recommend Tales of Lazy Wednesdays available now on iTunes and Amazon). They also know all the words to Cheek to Cheek and The Piccolina, both from Astaire and Rogers' film Top Hat which I believe came out in 1935 which they watch over and over. Take that Barney.

So, am I a fun mom? Will I regret it? One of my friends said she didn't want to look back on life with her young sons and feel she was such a disciplinarian that she hadn't hugged them enough. I hug my girls every chance I get. Even though sometimes they wipe off my kisses. It still counts though and because then the kisses are smeared all over their hands. Fun mom wins. But then again. Mama always wins.

The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #174 Tue 11.10.09

Adam and I made up for the no show that was Monday by giving you more show for your money today. Oh yeah, it's free. Well, there is that bonus. And then I slacked and forgot to post this. Well, I do have many excuses at the ready. My yak needed feeding. I had to paint the closet. Adam's mule required a new shoe. The list goes on and on. Oh, and I forgot. Sure, I could listen to the comedy gold that was early, early this morning. But it's practically tomorrow as I write this. And Brien is actually going to do it with me. The show that is. And I think it's only the third time this year. So that's a huuuuuuuuuge deal. I'd rather do a vague memory of how I recall the show.

I tried to do a retelling to Adam of how I told my girls the story of Thanksgiving. The very first one that is. There was what came out of my mouth. And as Adam pointed out. Every good story begins with "Well, the white Europeans had invaded this country that wasn't theirs." And ended with "they all had a really great meal together." In my mind, my inner voice was telling me things like shut up, too complicated, they don't care, and so on. I tried to explain the whole Indian/Native American misnomer and feel I really failed on that point. Anna Grace, who is four, asked, "why don't we just give the land back?" I told her it was really too late. Adam made some good points that we are native Americans now. I didn't mention casinos. It was a huge mess. He was amused.

Am very excited about the Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes film. He's worried about the involvement of the ex-Mr. Madonna Guy Ritchie. Me, not so much. I cannot wait.

Tube Job is delightful, though there are some things left out like a time here and there but you know? If I've told you the channel and the day, I think you can find it from there. You are very intelligent.

OK, that's really all I remember. Except I'll be honest. You deserve to know. We have moved the studio around. We have recorded in several different rooms in the house. We have all agreed on the master bedroom. The acoustics are the best. It's a king sized bed. We're all cool with that. Jim has adjusted to the fact the the bed is a revolving door. But, that's just the way it is. So when you listen, just so you know, we are actually doing it. In bed. Sound naughty. But it isn't. And we shall never speak of it again.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #173 Fri 11.06.09

911. Emergency calls. Is it really an emergency when you can't find your car? Or the guy who said he was going to marry you won't? It was to Hee Orama of Clarksville. She just didn't get the concept that her personal emergencies were not emergencies for law enforcement. She got to go to jail. Twice. Clue bus. Driving by.

So this guy is naked in his truck. In a Wal-Mart parking lot. The police are called. Oh, this was in North Naples. And he tells the cop that he had explosive diarrhea which is why he had to remove all of his clothes. Well, the problem with that was there was no, shall we say, evidence of such a disturbance in his truck. So he went to jail. I would like to add that as a former dispatcher, what a call to assign. Let's just say everyone is available. Who do you pick to do on that one, hmm?

More naked, this time near where I went to college. A guy in Stafford, Virginia was running around. Seems he had gotten into magic mushrooms. Then walked into the path of a train. Luckily for him the train was going nine miles an hour. He's alive.

Saw the Shaun Cassidy biography that came out in 2008 on BIO this week. Interesting. His mom, Shirley Jones, his half brother David Cassidy, and his brothers Ryan and Patrick, all there. But no Shaun. And no permission to use the music either. And they name his first wife and child, seems Caitlyn Cassidy is something like 28 now. Then they say he and whoever got married in 2005 I think and have maybe three kids, could be four by now. They named her. However they glossed over other wives and kids. Odd. I loved his shows American Gothic, Roar and Invasion. LOVED THEM. But I digress.

Movies out this weekend: Disney's A Christmas Carol in 3 D is PG animated and family with Jim Carrey doing many of the voices, plus Robin Wright Penn and Bob Hoskins. The Men Who Stare at Goats is an R Drama with George Clooney, Kevin Spacey, Jeff Bridges and Ewan McGregor. The Box is PG 13 Horror with Frank Langella, Cameron Diaz and James Marsden. Precious is an R drama getting all the critics raving about it. The Fourth Kind is PG 13 action. Pretty big weekend compared to last.

Oh, and today was the Michael Jackson seance in London. Wonder how that went. I mean, did they say he showed up by moonwalking or something? I've been recording an audio book and have been in the studio all day. I suppose I could find out. Well, I did find out for Wendy of the Crack Research Team who needed to know what Orthanc was. Naturally, it's where Saraman was. You know, the tower. Duh. Wasn't that enough?


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #172 Thu 11.05.09

Ah, the art of the quickie. Show that is. Adam and I had so little time today. Much desire, little time. See, practically the same thing. Technical and deadline issues were a bit of a problem today. However, we did bring up a few things. There was a story about Wal-Mart allegedly punishing people who took sick leave. Which seems foolish. The National Labor Committee is the one making the complaint. Adam says it's never been an issue. Someone's sick, they're sent home, that simple. Nobody wants you coughing and hacking all over the merchandise and each other.

This guy said he was allergic to his wife. Sure it's some compound in her body lotion. Whatever. But it gives him rapid heartbeat and he swells up. Again, sounds like normal man woman stuff. Anyway, they are still together. Who knows how that will work out.

Jim discovered this today. It is incredibly funny.

If you can find a copy of today's Tennessean, feel free to look in the main section, page 8, it's all me baby. Of course, you don't get the pull out poster effect online. But you can read it at www.firstinhealth.com.

Kim Abston of Cookeville is our first winner of the chemical peel from Manhattan Salon. We have two more to giveaway so register today.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary Wed 11.04.09

First it was all that sushi leading to mercury poisoning. Now it's 12 cups of soy milk today apparently giving Jeremy Piven man boobs. Adam says that Jeremy's real problem is gluttony. Once he finds something he likes he just goes overboard with it.

James Franco is going to do a few appearances on 30 Rock. Adam and I, overlooked again. We were second runners up to host the Oscars. But we don't mind that it's Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin hosting it March 7.

So this guy, the same age as Adam (29), didn't want to go to work. He called the police, went to the hospital with his thigh ripped apart with knife wounds. Those Mexicans, or skinheads, had attacked him. Oh, no, it was just he didn't want to go to work and did it to himself. What do you do to yourself the next month? Try to break your leg?

OK, so I mixed up Marmaduke and Clifford the Big Red Dog. Good thing too because I wasn't hearing the voice casting of Owen Wilson as Clifford. I can hear him as Marmaduke. Adam and I both agreed that you should not write off Marley and Me. It is a surprisingly good movie for a number of reason. The last one being the house they end up in at the end of the film. That's a gorgeous home. We covet that home.

Adam and I had a brilliant show. I'll admit it. You have to hear it, We even discussed the ignorance of raging old redneck who hurled venom at one of our gay friends yesterday. Read about it under Read Jane The One About Ignorance. Everyone I have told about it said they didn't know such things happened these days. It is hard to believe. Especially when it doesn't happen to you. It's revolting behaviour.

Anyway, go to www.thejaneellen.com and click on Hear Jane. Also, go to www.brientravis.com because it's time to start shopping for the holidays. And you can own Brien. Well, his music. Not him. I would say I own him but he would take issue with that and so on. We just won't bring that up. Then my other men would be jealous. Can't have the boys acting up. It would bring about unpleasantness.


The One About Ignorance

A very dear friend of mine, who happens to be both African American and gay, was called both the n word and the f word today. The ignorant old white guy who did it was, in turn, blown a kiss. We talked about it. I asked him which was worse. He said, as I would expect, they're both pretty bad. He also said, they're both just words.

Then we both agreed what a horrible life that guy must lead. He's in a store. My friend has done nothing but come in visual contact with this joker, and this sixty some year old adult can only hurl venom at him. What kind of hideous brainwashing did he go through that he accosts strangers with hatred? Sadly, this happens more often then not. I told this story to a girlfriend of mine. A white friend, close to the age of 40, and she was appalled that this had ever happened. I told her yes, this wasn't the first time.

I told my friend what we both already knew. The guy is clearly an ignorant ass. And I was even more proud to have this gay, black man in my life who could see the stupidity, ignorance, and hatred in this man. That geezer must boil over to random people about other things as well. Oddly enough, the man with the offensive mouth and complete lack of manners in no way resembled George Clooney, who most people, myself included, think looks like a pretty handsome guy. No, he was just an ordinary slob. Maybe we could've accepted an insult from the perfection that is Clooney. But not this creature who felt he could label another man. Did he think my friend didn't know he was gay? Guess what? He's not just a little gay, he's a lot gay, and he knows it. And he's proud of it. Oh, and he knows just what shade of cafe Au lait he is too. Did the loser think that the name calling would turn him straight or white like him? I just don't see the point.

Many is the time I had been called fat by just such a jerk. Again. I knew I was obese. Unfortunately, by being called fat I didn't magically become thin. If telling an obese person they're fat, (because, seriously, they don't have a clue and rely on the kindness of strangers to let them know) would turn them thin, then there wouldn't be an obesity epidemic.

Try the same thing on a balding guy. They know they're losing their hair. Trust me. They have the remaining ones counted. You don't have to shout out "hey baldy" just when someone with a comb over walks by. It's uncool.

Sure, I talk about people. Bad hairdo, hideous shirt, what's with those pants, yikes. I'll admit it. It's fun. However, I would never intentionally say anything harmful within hearing of anyone I'm talking about. I usually do it to the TV. Usually anchor people (sorry in advance). Come on, isn't that why you watch pageants? When it comes down to it, there's enough hurt in the world and I don't feel the need to add to it. And I sure wouldn't just say something incredibly hurtful to someone on purpose unprovoked.

Provoked, well, you wake the sleeping giant, then it's your funeral.

The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #170 Tue 11.03.09

Drunk clowns are only funny when they are named Krusty. This guy was driving erratically, not erotically (which would've been weird) around Vancouver in a clown costume. And he crashed into a police car. In our version, then 20 clowns got out of the car and the cop pulled one pair of handcuffs after another out of his pocket. It's just a better visual that way.

I was irritated by the Avatar trailer because the CGI people looked so familiar. During the course of the show, we got the actual name. Because if you just type in Jabba dancing girls you don't get porn. Which is what Adam and I expected. It's not Wikipedia, it's Wookiepedia, all things Star Wars. Look at Oola, then watch the Avatar trailer, then tell me I'm not imagining things, OK? Adam totally saw it.

What do most people use Facebook for? My fanpage? Adam's amusing remarks? No. It's Farmville. Isn't that like Pong but with farm animals. Adam and I admit we have never used it. However, it just seems like it would be a tad lame. But what do we know.

You really have to hear the show, click on Hear Jane at www.thejaneellen.com to hear Adam imitate Jim when he said he didn't need the internet because he already knew everything. It was rich. I'll say.

At www.nytimes.com they have a feature that looks up their snooty words for you. Now, I'm pretty smart. Even for me. Laconic, solipsistic, banal, apoplectic, antebellum, fealty, enervating feckless, sumptuary, penury. Those are pretty run of the mill. Oh, and swine. People have to look up swine? I can see the need for Sisyphean, inchoate, schadenfreude, fungible, and our favorite, bildungsroman. Oh that Bildungsroman, what a guy.

There's a new Hollywood Vine up. Register for the Manhattan Salon giveaway. And for many it is Election Day so Elect Away and listen to an Arcadia song. (It was Arcadia, a variant of Duran Duran, right?)


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #169 Mon 11.02.09

Halloween was very entertaining. The girls changed costumes back and forth. They were at different times a flower, Cinderella, a princess and a ladybug. Best part is we had all these given to us last year. Unfortunately, none of them will fit next year. Sigh. As usual, we had no trick-or-treaters.

Jim has mocked my first time appearance in a nationally prominent video. Well, as one of my friends put it, if Jim actually like something I did, we wouldn't know it was him. The pod people would have replace him. You can watch Hillbilly Bone at www.cmt.com by Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins. I'm just in it. It's not "my" song. I have a few friends who wanted to see more of me. So I told them to take me out to lunch. Trust me, no one is going to recognize me because of my appearance in the video. But it was great fun doing it and I was so glad I got the opportunity.

This guy is suing Axe because he says their ads led him to believe that by using all their products he would attract girls. He's used them for years and so far, no luck. Wonder if he's using too much or too little or if he's just a dud.

A guy in San Diego was on trial for a home invasion robbery. He thought it would be a good idea to smear feces on his lawyer then throw it at the jury. You know? It wasn't. He got 31 years.

This Is It made $101 worldwide and $21.3 domestically, which is good for a concert film. It's bound to made tons in DVD sales.

Remember to change your calendar. It's Rollvember as Jim loves to say. I'll be in Thursday's Tennessean if you want something to look forward to. Adam and Jim will do the show with me tomorrow. Ah, happiness.

The recipe of the week is coconut shrimp with apricot sauce. Delightful. It's on the Cook Jane page. Enjoy the show. Go to Hear Jane at www.thejaneellen.com.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #168 Fri 10.30.09

Hillbilly Bone. The Video premiere. Blake Shelton, Trace Adkins. And so many others. Including me, Nathan, and Cassie, to name but a few. Can Roman White direct an award-winning video or what? (I'm just assuming.)

The only movie out this weekend is Michael Jackson's This Is It. It made $7.4 million in the US on Wednesday alone. I suspect it will do well.

You know, just because a can of spray stuff in the house with a tiny straw doesn't make it compressed air. Sometimes it makes it silicone, you know, like WD-40. Not what is recommended to spray all over the keyboard of your laptop. Yet, that's just what I did. And mine still works. Not perfectly, but it works.

Remember to change your clocks this weekend. Going back to standard time. The way it's supposed to be.

Donny and Marie are making a new album. First time in about 30 years. Really.

Halloween on a Saturday night. Here there is an excellent chance of rain. Don't know why that makes me cackle. Also makes me want to go to the gay club. I am told that Halloween night is THE night to attend. I really have been meaning to go. I have also been told it doesn't get rolling until 11pm. That is a tad late for a mother of toddlers. But I would be willing to make an exception.

Have a glorious weekend. Talk to you in November.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #167 Thu 10.29.09

As I write this a man is cleaning. Now I don't write that in the way somewhere a butterfly flaps its wings and a storm begins somewhere else. No, nothing so esoteric. I mean a man, not a pretend one, but an actual man is cleaning. Just a few feet away from me. Now it would be awesome if it were Jensen Ackles. But it's not. For the sake of this I will pretend it is. He's actually cleaning the furniture. Not to gross you out or anything but, it's just the way it went down. Part of Raven's illness, her cancer, was in her mouth. She drooled something fierce. And not normal clear drool but gobs of brown stuff. See? Already you're gagging. Well, point being, her favorite spots on the furniture retained a bit of an odor. He said he'd give me an estimate I said don't bother. Just clean it.

Jim and I did a very brief show due to some technical difficulties which have now been fixed. And, it was bound to happen. Brien is next to Brent in my contact list in my phone. And the program I use is called Acid. Suspicious sounding I know. We also speak in shorthand to each other. Now, Acid was giving me issues. I was angry at Acid. Words were exchanged. And I sent a message to Brent that was meant for Brien. Ah, comedy. Brent was just happy to hear from me. And happy to hear that I was not "doing" acid.

I posted some interesting video, interesting to me anyway, which is the point of my entire show, of the body of a great white shark which had been pretty much bitten in half by another great white shark. The biter had to have been twenty feet long. "You're gonna need a bigger boat." So look for it on my Twitter feed or Facebook.

Creepy that Octomom dressed as a pregnant nun then dressed all her kids as red devils? Yes. Creepier that she and Jon Gosselin might do a reality show about them dating? Yes.

Shakira is on the cover of Rolling Stone. And she says her body is asking her to have babies. And her She Wolf video is a must see. Oh yes.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #166 Wed 10.28.09

Today was Raven's last day with us. She was a most excellent dog. She lived with us since she was four weeks old, a bit unusual I know. But it was just one of those things. I didn't talk about it during the show because I tend to feel the show is about being entertaining. The written word is a different form of expression. Raven had turned ten this past May. She was very young, especially compared to my other pets. But the cancer showed up and spread quickly through her mouth and neck. Raven was a Rottweiller/Black Lab mix. She looked like a Rottie puppy her whole life and weighed around 55-60 pounds during her youth. But she was lower to the ground and really a medium-sized girl, even though she sounded huge when you described her. She was a great bird catcher. She loved to chew them, head first, until they lost their flavor, then spit them out. It's so strange now, to be in this house, with only Gracie. For the past 20 years I've always had two to three to even four pets (not including the fish). Now, to be down to just one again, it's like when I just had Magnum, the world's most perfect dog. He lived to be 13. Gracie, who is now seven, favors him in the breed department. But she is a tad insane. Real pretty though. No doubt the loss of Raven today had me reaching for one of my favorite songs that was never a hit, just an album cut, that I simply stuck with me. It's from Mary Chapin Carpenter's State of the Heart called It Don't Bring You. Definitely worth your time. Pretty much anything she sings is.

Adam and I did the show before Raven's final trip to the vet so there was room for some funny. Taylor Lautner from the latest in the series of Twilight films, he's a werewolf you know, wants people to recognize him for his acting, not his chest. Adam's wife is sooooo into those films and he called Taylor Johnny Nip Nip the Werewolf and Count Sparklethorpe. Now that's some comedy right there.

We discussed Kevin Spacey's acting career. He took on Superman, he took on Santa Claus. That leaves, pretty much, Jesus for him to take on, in the movies that is.

Rosie O'Donnell said there was a time when she and Angelina talked about getting together but nothing happened. Adam had A LOT to say about that.

Brien named his stomach. And then we ended up talking about Designing Women. Again, you need to hear it. Go to www.thejaneellen.com Hear Jane.


The One About Beds

Sleeping. I am all for it. And because I have a history of failing to do it properly, I am intrigued by how people choose to sleep. Meaning their surroundings. When it comes down to it, everyone is a little particular about their beds. I am most familiar with mine, so I'll start us off.

First of all, I have to have a high thread count 100% cotton sheet. None of that half cotton half polyester stuff. Hate it. Won't have it near me. It pills up. I barely tolerate the 400 thread count to be perfectly honest. And this all started by mistake, but what a glorious mistake it was. I was living on my own and needed sheets. So I figured white sheets would be the least expensive. I didn't know anything about thread counts. And I certainly didn't look at the price. And had no idea it was going to cost $60 per sheet. But I bit the bullet. Those sheets lasted about 15 years and only got better with each washing. I learned.

I think we, humans, that we, not the royal we, spend about one third of our lives in our beds. So, shouldn't they be a place of comfort? I am all about a good sheet now. Even my girls prefer a higher thread count. They will go for their Dora pillowcases but they realize the Dora sheets feel different from the burgundy sheets. Well, they do.

The house I have lived in the longest in Tennessee has a master bedroom which I call the cave. Which is funny because my friend Brien calls his bedroom the nest. Similar reasons. Because my husband and I used to do shift work I made the room dark on purpose, thus the name. It has a king sized bed with awesome sheets and, on average, three to six layers on top. I like to sleep cold. Translated that means I like the room cold but me warm underneath the covers.

Seems Brien likes it the same way. (I don't know this from personal experience so keep your minds out of the gutter please.) The really fascinating thing to me about his nest is he currently has 13 layers on his bed and I suspect it will make it to 18 or during the winter. Same theory. Sleep cold, under covers. However, he can control the temperature in his nest. I have to accommodate Jim who does not allow a window to be open. Heaven forbid any fresh air enter our home.

Just in case you were wondering, Jim doesn't care how many covers Brien, or anyone else, happens to sleep under. He is barely conscious that we have covers on our own bed. Except when they are off of him. Then he is aware of it and all hell breaks loose.

I know some people who sleep with their Star Wars sheets. I'm cool with that. Yes, they are over 21. Some prefer satin. Some have to have everything match. I have friends who have very girlie bedrooms that their husbands just sort of pass through. Their husbands, in turn, have a Manland elsewhere. My bedroom isn't all that girlie. None of my house is. I encompass all that is girlie. I don't need furniture to do that for me.

I have friends who have bedrooms with sitting rooms and bathrooms that are so awesome I could simply live there. I would like to take bits and pieces of my friends' homes though. I would like to be able to sleep hearing the water like Brien does. I would like Leslie's bathtub. Though I fear she would know it was I who stole it. I covet Shan's dining room table. But that has nothing to do with how one sleeps. I thought I'd throw that in here in case she wanted to give it to me. And I really want a set of 1,000 count sheets just because I am curious. I don't do drugs. But I do do sheets. I just said do do. Ha! Well, it's true. And Jim, in case I forget to tell you, I am planning to repaint the bedroom soon. Not this week, not next, but soon. Now I will feel like I have told you. I have witnesses.

The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #165 Tue 10.27.09

Adam and I, and Jim for a wee bit, had quite a time today. First of all, there was this chick in Florida. She got charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. She nearly hit a person and ran over mailboxes. Which is amazing. Because she told the deputy that she had some vodka. Her blood alcohol level was .088 percent. And she had smoked some crack. And she had some Oxycodone, and Clonopin. Oh, and there was the Baklaphine she took, and the Lirica. Um, let's see, she also took some Tegradol, and the Paxcil, and the Dilantin, and the Lamiktal. Hope she didn't leave anything out. How was she even able to express all that with all those meds in her? That is a feat in and of itself. I am also impressed that she didn't do any more damage to herself and others. Wow.

In Athens, GA a woman scared away a burglar by getting on all fours and acting like a dog. What breed of dog remains to be seen.

I was in the Music City yesterday and stopped by the Starbucks near the Vanderbilt University campus. I was describing those inside to Adam. He put it well. It was like the cast for a high school musical movie. So beautiful. Even the lighting was lovely. I went to college. So did Adam. I had never seen so many beautiful people in one place at one time before. No one was significantly overweight either. I guess that's what Southern California is like.

Brien Travis really should be on film at all times. He went to a place, not a Starbucks, for coffee yesterday. And the chick handing him his coffee thought the best thing to do would be to pour it in his lap, reach for the money, and then run away. This caused his Tourette's to flair up and he could not control himself verbally. As is often the case. Adam works in retail and said that some times the his co-workers really do bring the abuse upon themselves. It all rolls into the theory that the majority, and quite possibly all of my male friends with the exception of Jay from high school are, what my husband call, my Asshole Friends. And he is King of the Assholes. They are nice to very few people. I am one of those people. It is a peculiar personality trait. Kind of like me being a lion tamer. Only I tame them with baked goods and sarcasm.

Do listen to today's show. We amused ourselves greatly. As we often do. Click on Hear Jane at www.thejaneellen.com.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #164 Mon 10.26.09

What actor, alive today (this is a real question) could play Clark Gable in a biopic? Only one answer. Only one guy has the style, the carriage, the panache. And that's Clooney. Don't know if such a film is being planned. But seriously, no one else could even come close to pulling that one off. Obviously.

The Bee Gees have made 50 years of music and Robin Gibb remarked that Saturday Night Fever had a pretty profound effect on culture, as did Sgt. Pepper and Thriller. I would have to concur.

Jim totally grossed me out by sending me this link of a guy putting 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his mouth just to break a record. The hard part was trying to prevent them from crawling down his throat. Oh that's so disgusting I can't believe I just wrote it. Here, you watch it. I'm going to be sick.

Garth Brooks has sold out the first 20 of his Vegas shows in less than five hours. Each ticket is about $125. The theater seats 1500. He is the best-selling solo act in history by the way.

Well, I had a grand day today. Got my stitches out. Had lunch with my too cute friend Dana McDowell. I really hate being out in public with her because she just IS that attractive. Then I went to an audition for a commercial where most of the actors appeared to be about 15 to 20 years older than I am. I knew my lines. That wasn't the issue. But I can't say that I have a good feeling about getting this gig. But I had a delightful time nonetheless. Was floored at Starbucks though. It was nowhere near the audition and yet it was like model central. Do you have to be a model to attend Vanderbilt, or just look like one? Unbelievable.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #163 Fri 10.23.09

You've heard the phrase "swing a dead cat" but even "throw a dead rabbit" was new to me, and Nathan. Seems it's a great way to kick off the pig hunt in New Zealand. And it's fun for the kids. There are something like 30 million wild rabbits in New Zealand so they are looked upon as somewhat of a pest. They do about $22 million worth of crop damage. However, I don't get it how someone thought hey, this would be a great idea for us to get our kids to sling them around. Nathan wondered what would be the best technique. Grabbing the carcass by the ears and winding it up, just giving it the heave ho, really, we could go on, and we did. Listen to it as www.thejaneellen.com Hear Jane.

Adam Lambert is getting all sorts of press again. His new single was mysteriously released early then grabbed by SONY. Now there are many, practically soft core porn shots of him and, wait for it, wait for it, a woman. He says he likes kissing some women because they're pretty too.

So this guy who lives, no lie, around the corner from my family in Virginia, got arrested for indecent exposure. Seems he got up wearing nothing but a smile and went into the kitchen to make coffee. A woman and a seven-year-old walked by his house and saw him. The police took him in because they said he did it on purpose with the intent of being seen by neighbors. He said he was naked in his own home, wasn't rubbing up against the window, just making some coffee and had no idea he was being watched. He says he's going to fight it. By the way, my family did not lodge the complaint.

New movies out this weekend are Amelia PG with Hilary Swank and Richard Gere. Subject matter is fascinating but all the reviews I have read say they have sucked the life out of her story. Animated Astro Boy is PG with voices of Nic Cage and Kristen Bell. Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is PG 13 with John C. Reilly and, there have been five already? Saw VI is out.

The website has been updated. That means Hollywood Vine, books, music, Geek Chic, Tube Job, Can You Dig It, all new toots. Go and see www.thejaneellen.com.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #162 Thu 10.22.09

Kanye West is alive and well, no matter what you heard. Rosie O'Donnell and her wife Kelli have separated. Michael (Harold Perrineau) says he's not coming back to Lost because he was never asked. Or it's the Walt conundrum. The child actor has grown so much it's a time space continuum problem. Carnie Wilson is getting her own reality show on Game Show Network. It will start in January and it's called Unstapled.

Other than those topics, Adam and I talked about my delightful surgery experience yesterday. Hey, when you get to quote lines from Animal House and Stripes, it's a good day. When the staff wonders what they'll do without you the next day, you know you've done your job. Being a patient isn't just about cooperating. It's about bringing your A game to the people around you who are going to be taking care of you. The nicer and more fun you are to them, the better it is for everyone. Because, hard to believe, some people do not go into a surgical procedure yukking it up, before they hit you with the meds even. But, it has been established, I am not just some people.

Now that I am full-o-prescription painkillers, for at least two more days, I am going to just let you listen to the show. That's what you need to do anyway. www.thejaneellen.com Hear Jane.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast #161 Wed 10.21.09

Adam and I had a very unusual show today. I really should change the name of the podcast to In Bed With Jane. I have a rather large bedroom and a king-sized bed. Sometimes we move all the equipment int there. It's very cozy. Which is why I told hi the story of how I taught the girls how to fly the bed. It's one of the games we play at night. We have to flap our arms, turn it sideways to get out of the house, then we rise above the trees and I ask the what they see. And the first thing Jenna always sees is a dragon. Hers are invariably purple. Adam went on to tell of how he was telling 5th graders about Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox and one of the kids was stuck on the fact that the ox spoke. Not that it was blue or this mountain of a man could catch a comet by a tail. Hmmm.

Reviews are memorable to those being reviewed if they are good. They are memorable to those reading them if they are vicious. Seems the revival of Bye Bye Birdie was not that well received by whoever wrote the review for Reuters. Let me just include the last sentence. "Nolan Gerard Funk might be a star on Nickelodeon, but as Conrad Birdie, he is less suggestive of Elvis than of a missing Jonas brother."

A guy in Birmingham loved Racer X so much he put seven X's on his license plate. That messed up the computer system because officials put seven x's down when the license plate is missing. He gets about ten tickets a day. Well, he doesn't. But they're issued to him.

Anyway, I've got nothing else to do today so I'm going to go and have some surgery. We should be back tomorrow. That's the plan anyway. Listen to the show. We worked hard for you. And Still, no site updates do to the computer virus on our beloved webmaster's computer. No one is happy about that, believe me.


The One About Coffee

My favorite aisle in the grocery store is the coffee aisle. I find it intoxicating. I have many a fond memory of coffee. I remember talking to my mom as she attempted to count the scoops into the coffee maker. Such great timing on my part. I never realized what a distraction I was until my girls started to do it to me. It makes me laugh every time.

I remember that I started to drink coffee in the seventh grade. Just a half a cup. But I had already developed a taste for it. My parents are from Providence and up thataway there is a magical thing that you can put in milk instead of chocolate syrup called coffee syrup. Oh it's sensational. You haven't had milk until you've had it with coffee syrup, so sweet, so addictive. It's no wonder.

Surprised that my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee? Oh, come now. I'm sure they started me on that very early. I remember when I first moved to Tennessee it was so hard to find. And I would ask for iced coffee and people would look at me like I was crazy. Thank goodness there are now many coffee shops and it's all the rage. Thank goodness the rest of the world caught up with me and mine.

Yes, I started my girls on coffee ice cream early on. Unfortunately, they will choose vanilla first. That is a bit ponderous but I feel certain they will grow out of that. Jenna does like coffee and tea. I do not intentionally caffeinate my three-year-old. I just thought I would stop her from trying to drink my iced coffee so I told her to help herself. And, turns out, she liked it. So now I have to keep her from it. What can I say? She knows a good thing when she tastes it.

I adore chocolate-covered coffee beans. But those suckers will leave telltale signs between your teeth. Got to hide the evidence with those puppies.

I am particular about my coffee too. Coffee snob? Yes. I won't just drink ordinary swill. It has to be strong enough to put hair on my chest, as my dad would say. It has to be chock full-o-Splenda because I likes it sweet. And I like my sugar free creamers too. Flavor it up. And sometimes I just turn myself completely over to Joey or Alexandra at Poet's in Cookeville. I tell them my desires and they turn them into reality. And then I try to control my overwhelming desire to touch Joey's hair. So far I have succeeded. But one day I won't be strong enough.

My love of coffee beans is shared by my Nathan, my addiction to coffee is shared by my Brien and Beth, my hairdresser Cindy, my friend gastric bypass buddy Shawn. That reminds me Shawn, you stood me up on a coffee date. Sure, it was valid. But you still owe me. And where coffee is concerned, I am not likely to forget.