The Jane Ellen Podcast Summary #16 Tue 03.31.09

This just in, Boston Latin School does not have vampires. Thank goodness. I was so worried that it might. The headmaster actually had to say that. Aloud. Probably in Latin. Which is something I can do but I don't want to be a show off (thank you mom for making me take Latin by the way). They feel it's because the Twilight book series is so popular that some of the students are positive they are vampires and one claimed to have been bitten. Bitten by a vampire. Uh huh. And Frank Langella's lush hair grew back. Anyway. Vampire movie reference. Anyone? Anyone? Did you know that Twilight sold 13 million copies when it was released on DVD the first day alone? I enjoyed the Twilight series. I haven't seen the movie yet. However, hark my words as Brien Travis did. Watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series. Then Angel. They're both on DVD. And they're pithy. I love a pithy vampire. It took some convincing on my part because Brien had seen the Buffy movie and was not buying that the TV show was as entertaining as I was claiming it to be. However, I am very hard to say no to. Once he started watching it, he, too, was addicted. Thank you Mr. Whedon.

By the way, it's Brien's 29th birthday today and I will publicly admit that I am entire year older than he is. The video for his song This Fairytale has been posted under Watch Jane at www.thejaneellen.com. Brien has, for some unknown reason, refused to eat bull testicles for his birthday. I don't know why. Luckily, I haven't found any so I really can't push the point. Crack research team member Eda thinks they would taste like ham and is willing to give a fried testicle a try.

Dancing With the Stars featured a perfect score for Gilles and Cheryl and a cold shower for everyone who wasn't Gilles' wife. The dances were the Lindy Hop and the Argentine Tango. The evening began with David and Kym getting a 22 for their hop. It was good. The Lil' Kim and Derek did a most excellent tango and received a 27. She is really a good dancer. They did a great lift too. Chuck and Julianne did the Lindy Hop and got a 22. It was OK, kind of too cutesy for me. But fine.

Lawrence and Edyta got a 19 for their tango. It was also fine, her dress was stunning, what there was of it considering it was mostly black netting. Ty and Chelsie got a 25 for their Lindy Hop and let me just add to the judges by saying Ty, who got a 4 his first week, is now a dancer. I never would've expected him to be so good. After that first week I thought he would be gone. Well, no, I thought Wozniak would be gone but he has this Sanjaya thing going. I know, different show, same principle though. Ty is just so improved and now actually good.

Steve Wozniak and Karina attempted a real tango with no weirdness to it. Karina must've borrowed one of Edyta's barely there outfits. I have no idea how the two red flowers and red hanky stayed on her but if I could wear that out of the house and look like that I would. They did get a 12. Melissa and Tony did a glorious Lindy Hop and got a 29. Why it wasn't a 30 I don't know. Her dress was adorable. She's a joy. Love them.

Holly and Dmitry did a tango. They got a 16. She had a problem staying on her stool. She was slightly injured during rehearsal, but she did do a really cool flip. She has such a coltish way about her. But she is improving.

Steve-O and Lacey did the Lindy Hop. He didn't seem to be in pain but his injuries have put him behind the others. Certainly not up to Melissa and Tony's Lindy Hop. They got a 15.

Now, let's talk perfection. Gilles and Cheryl. They looked stunning. The choreography was smokin' hot. And as Carrie-Ann pointed out, you couldn't tell the difference between the professional dancer and the celebrity. It was everything a tango should be. Steamy really doesn't cover it. Find it online and watch it. If you have never seen this TV show, go and find this dance. You owe it to yourself. And the beautiful thing about Gilles is he's handsome and humble. What a killer combination. I wonder if he's smart and funny too?

Shawn and Mark wrapped things up with their Lindy Hop getting a 25. It was good. It had a lot of flips in it but looked more like a gymnastics routine than a dance. When compared to Melissa and Tony's routine it didn't hold up which looked more like a dance with flips in it. You'd have to see them to get what I'm saying. But still, she's a gymnast, I'd want to have her do flips too.

The results show will eliminate two celebrities and Boyz II Men will perform. And I would like to thank everyone who thinks I actually have a shot at ever being on DWTS. It would be awesome. But, seriously.

And the reason why I always poke a bunch of bananas in the store with a pointed stick before picking them up? In Tulsa, the most deadly spider in the world was found be a Whole Foods employee. The employee is fine. Caught it in a jar. Until today I had never heard of the Brazilian Wandering Spider. Now I'm freaked out about something that can kill you in under 25 minutes. Sure, there's an antidote. If you live in Brazil. Creepy. Crawly, creepy, crawly, Boris the spider. Who reference anyone? OK, that was put in for my sister Judy.


The One About the Odor

I recycle. Not every single thing. I just generically recycle. As a concept, I hope it’s working. The marketing sure is. And I don’t like to see things go to waste. Use or re-use or give it to someone who can use it. So that is how it came to pass that a plastic gallon of milk was in the back of the van. But wait, there’s a bit more to it than that. Naturally.

When I was laid off at the end of January, my belongings were loaded into a plastic tub and put into the trunk of the van. Key word there. Van. Because you know, it’s not like the trunk is closed off from the rest of the vehicle like your standard car. But I’m jumping ahead. So I did what most people would do. I left my stuff in the back of the van. I had worked at the radio station for 15 years. I had no room for that stuff in my house. (Turns out I do now. It’s cramping my bedroom, still unpacked. Yeah, denial, whatever.)

So, stay with me here, either I had hauled the trash and recyclables to the dump or Jim had. Let’s blame Jim. And the bag with the poorly rinsed out, apparently, milk carton, got wedged behind the plastic tub. I’m assuming it was rinsed out. I always rinse them. Unless Jim collected it and didn’t rinse it. Entirely possible. End result was the same. A day or two later, something started to smell amiss. Jim smelled nothing. Another day or two later and I crawled all over the vehicle—still couldn’t find anything icky.

On the day I did find it, Anna Grace and I were positive it smelled like sour milk. I thought maybe it was a sippy cup with Jenna’s chocolate milk in it wedged under a seat. Even though I rarely let her take milk in the car for just that reason. So, two months after I was laid off, I took my belongings out of the van. And there it was. The milk carton.

I thought the first cleaning would’ve done it. I used wet towels and dry ones. I had every door open on that vehicle for days on end in sunny weather, in warm, in cool weather and in breezy weather. I aired that sucker out. I put air fresheners in the car. Still didn’t work. Jim still didn’t smell the smell.

Anna Grace started with a daily litany of remarks. “Why don’t we get a new car? This one stinks.” “Can we hurry up and get to school so I can get out of this car?” “Why does the car still smell like sour milk?” “Why didn’t you make the stink go away today?” “When will our car no longer smell bad?” You get the picture. Jenna didn’t seem to be bothered by it.

Friend Brien didn’t say all the things Anna Grace said but groaned every time he got in the car. Which is pretty much the same thing. Does make me wonder about the smelling abilities of Anna Grace and Brien compared to Jim and Jenna. Maybe Jenna’s just not a complainer. Because Jim sure is.

So, three air fresheners two cleanings and one shampooing later and the sour milk now smells like a dead body. I guess. Never smelled one. But you get the picture. Not good. It has been suggested that I use lemon juice. Or leave a bar of soap in there. I’m going with a classic and using baking soda next. I know that eventually that smell has got to go away.

Because it’s not just a smell. It’s an odor. It has substance. It smacks you in the face when you open the door. It’s sentient. It wants to live. It wants to possess my vehicle. And I’m not having any of it.

The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #15 Mon 03.30.09

The video for This Fairytale is finished. You can find it in the following places so knock yourself out: www.thejaneellen.com under Watch Jane. You'll find it on www.youtube.com and at www.myspace.com/thejaneellenpodcast and www.myspace.com/brientravis.

I was first thrilled and excited that Family Guy had a Star Trek theme. As far as I was concerned, the entire show could've been a Star Trek parody because, and I do stand by this, Family Guy's finest hour was its homage to Star Wars last year. Most of the cast of Next Generation were featured. How annoying for Stewie it was to be at a convention when the cast was being asked non-Star Trek questions. Oh, it was truly freakin' sweet.

Mel and Mike were eliminated from the Amazing Race. While it was on last night, Jim kept mentioning the spelling of Phuket, India. I was only half paying attention and I was like, yeah, Phuket, unusual. Then Jim says, pharmacy, how do you say pharmacy? Ph, Phuket, get it? Why do we say Poo-ket was his point. Well, I guess because it just wouldn't fly any other way.

Dennis Rodman showing up drunk on assignment on Celebrity Apprentice seemed to play a factor in his being cut loose at the end of the show.

In case you're not up on what kids are into lately. The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards were on and the favorite TV show was, not CSI, but iCarly. What? You are unfamiliar? Get with the program. Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Jack Black, American Idol, High School Musical 3 and the book Twilight were some of the other winners. And, of course, slime was involved.

I can't stop eating jalapeno cheese. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

It seems you can get a grant for most anything. At least from the government in South Wales. A couple is getting 4,500 pounds to instruct people on how to contact people on "the other side" and I'm not talking the other side of the pond. Veil, people, other side of the veil. These psychics have to "provide substantial evidence to bring ease to people's grieving" and I'm all for that. Just don't know how they're going to do that.

Have you ever had a mountain oyster? Oakdale, California's Testicle Festival is today. Last year they raised about $28,000 by serving fried, wait for it, wait for it, bull testicles. It's $50 a pop for the dinner. Every year cattle ranchers castrate young male bovines into steers and why waste all that testicular goodness when someone is bound to fry it and eat it, hmmm? Now, I've never had such a thing. However, I would like to nominated Adam Cravens to give it a shot. Or Brien Travis. It is his birthday tomorrow and I would like for him to have a ball.

California is not the only place where they have testicle festivals by the way. People eat all sorts of strange to me animal body parts all the time. But this has caused me to wonder. Does it taste like chicken? Is it chewy? It is fried and most fried things are steeped in deliciousness so would I like it if I were not predisposed to be disgusted by it. Is there a gravy or dipping sauce served with it? Do you serve it with tongue or tripe or haggis? Do you have to liquor up the crowd first before they eat? So many questions. If you have the answers, or know where to get mountain oysters in Middle Tennessee, or shipped to us so Adam and Brien can try them, do let me know at www.thejaneellen.com. They'll be ever so happy.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #14 Friday, 03.27.09

Adam Cravens visited the podcast. And there was much rejoicing. American Idol got it right and Michael Sarver, who seems like a super nice guy, is gone. Bottom three included Matt Giraud and Scott MacIntyre. Scott was the first to sit back down. Then they had to wait through Stevie Wonder's medley. After it was announced that the oil rigger got the lowest votes he said, "I have to sing after Stevie? Oh crap!" Funny. And that was it for him. And now there are nine, three of them female.

Adam's still processing what happened on Lost. Well, we all are. He also pondered how it's possible that 30 Rock continues to get funnier. Thank goodness it does. Last night was brilliant. Almost every line was a winner. Here's an example. "What is this? Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by neighsayers." Oh that's good comedy.

The new movies out this week are Monsters vs. Aliens. That's animated and rated PG with the voice talents of pretty much everyone in the universe except me and Adam. Reese Witherspoon and Rainn Wilson are involved. By the way. You should be on www.twitter.com just to follow Rainn. He's hilarious. He's a cast member of The Office if you are unfamiliar with him.

The Haunting in Connecticut is rated PG-13 and is based on a true story. I am so not going to see it because the trailers on the internet look far too disturbing. As Adam pointed out, if we have learned nothing from Amityville-- if the house doesn't like you, move out.

And professional wrestler John Cena made another movie. This one is called 12 Rounds and I suspect it's not about donuts. Renny Harlin directed it. Adam pointed out that they're pushing that Renny directed Diehard 2, not Cutthroat Island. Funny.

We had a great chat about pirates and cowboys. We concur that in real life, pirates and cowboys probably smelled bad and had various diseases and in no way resembled Johnny Depp, Robert Redford, or Paul Newman.

I discovered that Adam has man crushes on Jim Carrey, Paul Rudd and Dwayne Johnson. He is willing to devote an entire podcast to his man crushes and even make a longer list. I am not opposed to that. For I, too, have man crushes.

And let's not forget about this tasty treat. It's got 4800 calories, 300 grams of fat, 744 milligrams of cholesterol, and 10,000 milligrams of sodium, and it costs 20 bucks. It's the Fifth Third burger available at Fifth Third Ballpark concession stand for the West Michigan Whitecaps. Here's what's in it. The bun is a pound of dough. Add a cup of chili and five, one pound hamburgers with five slices of American cheese, salsa, nacho cheese, Fritos and lettuce, tomato, sour cream and optional jalapenos. You have to cut it with a pizza cutter. It serves four but if one person can eat the whole thing, you get a free t-shirt. And maybe congestive heart failure. Sounds like a plan.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #13 Thu 03.26.09

OK, I know, you're dying to know, how did the fairy thing work out in the rain yesterday? We knocked it out of the park. This is the only preview you'll get until the video is done. And, notice the tutu. It goes without saying that I totally dug what Paula Abdul was wearing last night.
So, let's talk American Idol. First of all, what's great about Idol is there are actually some people who aren't familiar with the songs of Motown. I know, it's hard for me to accept that. And this show exposes them to these great songs. However, it was hard for me to accept that SOMEBODY who shall remain nameless did NOT know that Billy Joel sang It's Still Rock'n Roll to Me. Sad, sad, sad. Tangent, must focus. If you're not well-versed in Motown, learn these songs as they are marvelous.
Matt Giraud did Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. I love me some Marvin and he did a terrific job working the sexy. Hard song to sing. I ought to know. I never sound that good in the car. Kris Allen was equally terrific on How Sweet It Is. He and Matt had been under my radar the first few weeks. I think they'll both score deals out of this. Scott MacIntyre did a pleasant version of You Can't Hurry Love. That's about all I can say about it. Megan is so stunning. The stylist is totally working her look. She sang For Once in My Life and even though I didn't think it was as bad as the judges did, I also got what they were saying. A slower song would've suited her vocal styling better.
Anoop did a real smooth job on Ooh Baby Baby. Other than Linda Ronstadt, I can't think of anyone other than Smokey who does it perfectly, but he didn't make me cringe. Wish I could say that about Michael Sarver. His Ain't Too Proud to Beg, well, I had to fast forward through it. Just kind of ponderous. And he seems so nice. I don't want to be a hatah, but, I really feel it's his time to go.

Lil Rounds totally looked the part for Heatwave. I feel she owned it. I completely agreed with Paula. I understand a slower song would've showed off her chops more, but I had no problem with what she did. Loved it.
However, THE performance of the night was Adam Lambert's Tracks of My Tears. He did it unplugged and cleaned up, hair slicked back, no black nail polish, and he was in a suit. I always thought he kind of looked like Elvis. Now I realize he looks like Kurt Russell as Elvis. His soft version of Tracks was extraordinary. And to see Smokey, the songwriter, leading the standing o, just amazing.
Danny Gokey's Get Ready was terrific. Love Danny. And Allison's Poppa Was a Rollin' Stone rocked it. I think that was my second favorite performance. I also want the lace leggings she was wearing, and the multi-chain belt.
To sum it up, Michael and Megan bottom two with Michael going is what should happen. Adam was THE BEST. As soon as it was over, I wanted to hear it again.
Lost was new. If you catch on to it you realize that the characters in Lost have issues with their fathers. This week we find out that young Ben Linus and Sayid each had hard fathers. And, I'll just cut to the point, it ends with Sayid shooting young Ben. Huh. But that's in 1977. Time travel is a beyotch. Who knows who is real who is dead. I love Lost.
And Jim tells me that the Farrelly Brothers are making a Three Stooges movie with Benicio del Toro as Moe, Sean Penn as Larry and Jim Carrey as Curly. Why? It just sounds like a bad idea.


The Jane Ellen Podcast #12 Wed. 03-25-09

I'll be honest, I'm in a bit of a hurry today. I'm going to be a fairy. I've got glitter eyeliner on. Blue, purple, pink and red hair pieces clipped into the platinum blonde. And I'm going out into the spring rain in a white tutu. I've mentioned Brien Travis a lot, I've forced him onto the podcast before, but what he excels at is music. OK, I find him hilarious, but not musically so. Go to www.myspace.com/brientravis and listen to This Fairytale and you can imagine why I'm going to be a fairy. Well, actually, I have been known to be a fairy without a legitimate reason. But it is one of my favorite songs of his.

Dancing With the Stars was a total bummer for me because my Maks got eliminated. As did his partner Denise Richards. It was going to be tough for him either way because his fiance, Karina, has The Woz. But the geeks have united and Steve Wozniak was not even in the bottom two, it was Denise and Holly. The judges gave Holly an 18 and Denise a 20. Added to the viewer votes from the night before it was Denise who was eliminated. Either way it was a loss because Holly's partner is the other hot Russian guy, Dmitry. Sigh. However, Hall and Oates performed, and that was great. And so was Adele. Brien had hipped me to her a few weeks ago. Love her.
Next week two celebrities will be eliminated. D'oh.

Jim popped in to talk about Raquel Welch. We had seen something about her on the Bio channel. Turns out her bust was 37 and her waist was 22 inches, and she weighed 118 lbs back when she was discovered at 23 years of age or so. And Jim remarked that I did not weigh 118 or have a 22 inch waist. At least that's all I heard. He's still walking upright. Barely.

PETA thought a Chicken Empathy Museum was going to go over big in Louisiana to replace the chicken processing plant that was closing. The kids that visited could play in cages and get a chicken, a toy one, with a tag that said " I am not a nugget." Yeah, can't see me taking my kids there for a fun time. I am all for the ethical treatment of animals. I am also for a good piece of meat in sweet and sour sauce.

It's fairy time. Must make with the magic. You'll see some results eventually in See Jane at www.thejaneellen.com and on Brien's website www.brientravis.com.


The Jane Ellen Podcast Summary #11 Tue 03.24.09

The other day I started to tweet. That means I'm on www.twitter.com. If you're reading this, you can see the posts to the right, so, duh, you already knew that. Or maybe you are so enthralled you never look to the right. Which would be a problem at intersections. My Dad asked if I was on Twitter about a month ago. He thought it ridiculous that people posted they were brushing their teeth. I haven't seen that one. Yet. However, it's really quite clever because you are only allowed to use 140 characters. So you are forced to be very witty or very dull. Either way, it won't last long. You then choose who you follow. That means their 140 characters show up for your amusement.

I need to find out if my Maksim has the time to tweet. Brooke Burke is doing it. I know what she had for dinner Saturday night and that her kids kept her up last night. Oddly enough, my kids let me sleep last night. My dogs, however, were barking at something at 1am and so now I have a spike in my head. Which you already knew because I felt the need to post it. I wanted everyone to know my pain.

Because of the impending migraine, I'll just whip through Dancing With the Stars. And thank you Ida, I should be Maks's partner. Even though I thought he and Denise did way better than a 16 for their samba. He is not an attractive woman. He put on a pink dress to loosen her up. It didn't work. Chuck and Julianne continue to improve and did a terrific foxtrot, got a 23. They look great together. Holly and Dmitry got a 17 for their samba. I love it that she says she's "so uncoordinated." Well, she is. Much like Kim Kardashian, gorgeous and totally lacking in the ability to dance. Just not there. But I like her. She'll be gone soon.

Love, love, love Steve-O's determination. Again, must not judge a book by its cover. You think gorgeous Holly should be able to dance well. She can't. You think Steve-O is just wild and yet he cleans up so handsome and I really wish I could see him dance not in terrible pain. I ached for him last night. Plus, he and Lacey danced the foxtrot to Mraz's I'm Yours, a song I adore. But he could barely move. They got a 15.

Lawrence and Edyta scored a 20 with their samba to Can't Get Next to You, a great song made famous by The Temptations. His best dance so far. Shawn and Mark are one of three couples who got a 27. Their foxtrot was stunning. Bruno called her a "beautiful bejeweled hummingbird." They are so totally cute together and this was their best dance too. If only she would unhinge her jaw when she spoke.

Gilles and Cheryl. Why didn't they get a 30? I needed to light one up after that samba and I don't even smoke. He is so incredible. Oh my. I think I'm having a case of the vapors. I had to watch it again. In slo-mo. Then again. And again. He is so good. I cannot find words to describe my feelings on Gilles ability to dance. I would rather show him. Suddenly, my headache's getting better.

David and Kym got a 24 with their foxtrot. Steve Wozniak and Karina got a 10 with their samba. Yeah, pretty bad. He had pulled a hamstring and just can't dance. He's a genius, he doesn't need to dance. Karina looked super cute.

Melissa and Tony got a 27 with their foxtrot. They're awesome. Duh. Lil' Kim and Derek did a great samba. They got a 25 and Len said she had a "bionic booty." Funny. Ty and Chelsie got a 23 for their foxtrot. Go Ty. Never thought he would get this good. And the fact that she fell and he did a great save, in the beginning of their dance, and it didn't mess him up. It was just a great job.

Clearly, Steve Wozniak is the worst dancer and the judges have given him a super low score so I expect him to go this week. And Hall and Oates will perform on the results show.

The Twilight sequel, New Moon, comes out in November and the cool thing I think is the Wolf Pack of Native Americans in the book has actually been cast with all Native American actors.

Zac Efron dropped out of the Footloose remake. Did there need to be a remake? Anne Hathaway is going to be Judy Garland in the stage and film version of the book Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland.

And, I would so totally do this, if only someone would a) ask and b) pay me enough money. Cindy Crawford has done a shoot for Allure and all she's wearing is soap. She's 43 and she's wearing soap. She looks gorgeous. It's well placed soap and it's full frontal but you don't see anything if you get my drift. Yes, I would do it. Pay me, airbrush me, I'm there.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #10 Monday 03.23.09

Last night, I didn't get to sleep at all, no, no, no. OK, enough Fifth Dimension out of me. I had another sleep study. I am a notorious bad sleeper. Which ticks me off because in classic Type A fashion I like to exceed, or rather, over exceed, at everything. Ahhh, sleeping is for suckers. Anyway, I went to be watched while I slept and tossed. My favorite part of the whole thing was when I asked the sleep tech if he was awake. Crickets. "Yeah, I'm awake." I expected a big laugh. He was very nice, just not quirky.

The up side of this sleep study, probably the fifth one I've had in about ten years, is that I got to watch TV alone. At home with my girls it's Dora, Diego, Spongebob (love Spongebob), and Jim making me watch everything on the DVR before his head explodes. This time it was just me and the remote and every channel got about two seconds of my time before I changed it. Just like when I was home from high school or college. Click, click, click. Good times.

What I came across were these gems. The ExtenZe infomercial. I know someone who works at a convenience store. They're sold by the cash register. The running joke is to ask the customer "would you like to try some ExtenZe?" It's our running joke, not the store's. He hasn't done it yet. And I have more than one friend who works at a convenience store. Frankly, they probably all sell them. I just didn't know there was a commercial for them. And a funny one too. I know people who say they've used Viagra, but I don't know anyone who will admit to using ExtenZe. Is it that Viagra has better marketing? Is it that hard to admit? I'll leave it to the chat forum at www.thejaneellen.com to discuss.

I watched Seinfeld and noticed how Elaine/Julia was waaaayyyy pregnant. But since the character wasn't pregnant they were hiding it with jackets and putting her behind counters. It was the one about the muffin tops. I remember watching it when it was first on. Even though I was a child. And I don't recall thinking Elaine looking large. But now, with hindsight, she must've been eight months pregnant. Huh.

Speaking of large, I'll come right out and say it, I was once immense. Had a BMI of 60. My bariatric surgeon said I was super morbidly obese. I had gastric bypass surgery in 2002 and am, quite happily, no longer obese. Here's what got me last night. World's Heaviest Man Gets Married and he weighs something like 1200 pounds and his doctor calls him morbidly obese. I was SUPER morbidly obese and I was no 1200 pounds. Geez. I could walk and everything. You don't have to pussyfoot around, the guy knows he's overweight.

Christie and Jodie are gone from The Amazing Race. Deal or No Deal Model Claudia Jordan is gone from Celebrity Apprentice. Fred Savage was hilarious on Family Guy.

I have written more notes for myself but from what I can read it looks like I wrote smell the A-Team. And that's not right. But I love it when a plan comes together.


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #9 03.20.09

Jim Herrin sat in on the podcast with me again today and they started out the show by discussing the President's appearance on Jay Leno's show. This is the first time that a seated president has appeared on a comedy show. Now, I think this is not unusual at all to him. "Sock it to me?" Anyone, anyone? Ok, I'll move on, but he wasn't president when he was on Laugh In and the point is, in this electronic age, Barack, is, in my opinion, used to seeing very public figures in a very accessible forum. And seeing someone on with Leno is good PR. However, as with any broadcast event, there is always the room for error. The President had been using the White House bowling alley and complained his score was 129. The perfect score is 300. So 129. Not so good. He said it's "like Special Olympics" which got a laugh, and then the apologies started from his media people. Wonder if it will be his last appearance on a comedy show.

Speaking of comedy, I remarked to Brien that the house was clean. Once a month we pay someone to do it for us. Jim feels it is my responsibility, being that I'm the wife. In that case, I wish we had the money to have someone come in every other day. Well, she cleaned on Thursday and I told Brien he should come over right away, the house was really, really clean, he'd never seen it in that condition. Of course, he agreed and said, "take a picture." Jim also agreed. Both of them know it won't last. Sigh.

Speaking of Brien, we have a new video, of sorts, out together. No, not that type of video. One you can watch with your children. At this writing it is on my Facebook page and www.myspace.com/thejaneellenpodcast look under videos on that page. When Brien gets home from his real job tonight, it will be on the Watch Jane part of http://www.thejaneellen.com/. You'll get to watch and hear both Brien and myself. Let us know what you think.

Three big movies rolled out today. They are Duplicity, a romantic comedy rated pg-13 with Julia Roberts and Clive Owen. Jim is not one of those smitten by Julia. He thinks she looks like a man with a wig on. I am all about me some Clive Owen. One of the reviews I read said that he has smirked his way through his past few movies and actually has a twinkle in his eye in this one. Which, to me, implies something that he's not going for in this film. But I digress. They play spies who plan to steal millions from the companies that employ each of them. They are also extremely paranoid.

Knowing is a PG-13 sci-f flick with Nic Cage in it. It starts with a time capsule at a school in 1958. A little girl seems to be putting in random numbers. 50 years later the capsule is opened and Cage realizes these weren't random numbers they were disaster dates and death tolls. And some haven't happened yet. So he tries to convince people that he has advance knowledge. Because knowing is half the battle.

The comedy of the weekend is I Love You, Man, rated R of course, with Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. Paul Rudd is newly-engaged but has no close male friends and needs a best man. So he goes on a series of "man dates" to find a man friend. And he ends up finding a guy friend who he spends more time with than his girl friend. And comedy ensues. I have a friend who has very few guy friends. And he's a guy. One could theorize. Oh, never mind, I'm not getting paid for my therapy sessions today.

Speaking of movies, MSN, made a list of their top ten worst sequels. Here's their list:
Staying Alive
The Sting II
Legally Blonde II
Highlander II The Quickening
Clerks II
Caddyshack II
Weekend at Bernie's II
Grease II
Speed 2: Cruise Control

Speed 2 and Grease II--hilarious. Oh, not supposed to be? There was a Sting II? Nothing wrong with Highlander II even though there can be only one. OK, if you don't get that reference you probably didn't like The Quickening. Some people saw Staying Alive in the theatre and bought the soundtrack and know that Sylvester Stallone directed it so it shouldn't even BE on the list. Clerks II is saved by Wanda Sykes. Jim thinks the whole donkey thing brings it down. The others, I didn't even know they existed. Oh, and we both agree. Best. Sequel. Ever. Star Trek II Wrath of Khan. Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Weird stuff. Guy in Romania was eating his salami. For real. Not an urban myth, his luncheon meat. Found a dead mouse in it. Bomb disposal units had to evacuate buildings in east London over a Monty Python prop. Jim didn't know what it is. But he had never taken the holy hand grenade of Antioch and lobbest it at his foe. Didn't know you could get it on eBay. And, get a load of this, a computer programmer from Finland lost half of his finger in a motorcycle accident. OK, that's not funny. However, he has built a special prosthetic finger that is a two gig USB drive. When he needs it he takes the finger off and plugs it into his computer. Good thing it was his finger and not another body part that got amputated, eh? Would be a little awkward to use that USB in public otherwise.

While I'm thinking of it, I happened to catch a few minutes of The View today. Whoopi Goldberg's closing remarks were sparked by a TV Guide spread regarding her fashion, or lack of fashion sense. And she said she is to be judged not by what she wears but by what she says. I like that. However it really did make my day when a stranger stopped me on my way into the grocery store to tell me she loved what I was wearing. I've had people tell me that at events. When I was all dolled up. But this was something I had "just thrown together." Brien even remarked that he "liked the ensemble." and then said yes, he just used the word ensemble. It was a teal and purple number. Jim has no memory of it at all. Jim doesn't even know what I'm wearing right now. And I am wearing clothes.


Podcast Summary #8 Thu 03.19.09

American Idol held few surprises for me during last night’s results show. I called two of the bottom three—Alexis and Michael. Didn’t put Allison on the list. But she wasn’t going home anyway. And she didn’t.

I was trolling the Idol message boards and there have been those thinking Seacrest was being cruel or was leading Michael Sarver on as he told Allison she was in the bottom three first but not Michael. Then he told Michael to head on down. In my opinion, the producers are just trying to change things up a bit. There was a time you could spot who was eliminated by the seating arrangement. They’ve got to do things differently once in a while. I didn’t think it was rude or cruel. The audience just expected him to be safe because that’s how it always had been. And, no doubt, that’s why the producers did it that way. Seacrest isn’t doing this on his own you know.

Jim was on today’s podcast and if there’s one thing he likes, it’s flowers on clothes. He was horrified by what Carrie Underwood was wearing. Inasmuch as Jim gets horrified at women’s clothing. I told him that the spring trend is a big flower here and there. He thought she had a poodle pinned to her head. Which led to a discussion of flowery shirts. Which, by the way, looked great on Tom Selleck in Magnum PI. Not that I’m old enough to remember it. I’m just saying. Sometimes I close my eyes and think that Jim looks like Tom Selleck. Sometimes I don’t even bother to close my eyes.

They kept saying Carrie Underwood and Randy Travis were doing a duet. Well, they did sing together. However, their version of his 1987 hit I Told You So wasn’t so much of a duet. Randy kind of provided backing vocals and sang a verse. It’s a great song. Really. But a duet to me is more of a back and forth trade off. If you want to see his original video go to www.joost.com and look up I Told You So. Randy’s very low key. Gorgeous delivery on it. Carrie really did more of a powerhouse version on last night’s show, more so than on the version on Carnival Ride. Love the song though.

Speaking of videos, Jim and I also watched Britney’s latest If You Seek Amy. Much has been made of what the title actually stands for. I can’t write it here because it’s a word offensive to many. Megyn Kelly of FOX News has invited Britney on the show because the video starts with a news anchor that looks an awful lot like Megyn and she seems to be saying things that Megyn said about Britney’s song. Interesting. When I watched the video I kept thinking how many great pairs of shoes I was seeing. For real. I’m not making that up. And Britney really reminds me of Madonna. Use what you’ve got baby.

Lost was on last night. I tried to explain what happened in thepodcast and really, did a poor job of it. It’s so complicated for those who do not watch it regularly that to hear a Lostie talk about it, well, you sound crazy. Er. Crazier. In short, Hurley, Jack, Kate, and Sayid showed up in 1977. Sawyer found them, he was waiting. Only Sayid had been separated so he’s being treated as one of the Others and has met a young (10 years or so) Ben Linus. Great casting on that kid by the way. Sun, adult Ben, and Frank Lepidus the pilot (who cleans up real well) are also on the island but not in 1977. Sun and Frank meet Jack’s dead Dad, Christian. Who I now think the island has resurrected, just like it resurrected John Locke. Confused yet? OK, that’s all I’ve got. Except I prefer Sawyer scruffy. And his nickname of the night? Quickdraw. As in McGraw. Nicely played Sawyer.

I know Brien, who loves frogs more than anything, will be sorry he missed out on a frog wedding ceremony in India. They’re trying to make it rain so they thought marrying two frogs would be a good idea. You know, Brien’s birthday is the last day of the month. Maybe I could get him a Kermit the frog doll and then take him out for a frogleg dinner. Oh, I am sure that would make his night. I do what I can, you know?


The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #7 Wed March 18, 2009

Ah, Wednesday. I say that like I’ve had a rough week or something.Well, I have been meaning to vacuum. Lost is on tonight. I confirmed it is a new episode. All is right in the world. It is a gorgeous day. Check two on things that are good. And an addiction I need to share. Seriously, get it out of my house. This Sam’s Choice Cajun trail mix. It’s got sweet peanuts and crunchy stuff and just a touch of spicy crunchy things in there. Could be chicken lips for all I know. I have inhaled it and it must stop. Go, try it for yourself. As a food addict, you can trust me when I tell you something is a taste sensation.

Dancing with the Stars was an hour of filler as the results shows always are. Enjoyable filler, but filler nonetheless. They found aremarkable way to stretch the inevitable too, have a dance off. The bottom two celebrity vote getters were Steve Wozniak and Belinda Carlisle. So they kept the votes they got from the viewers and got to choose which dance they already knew to perform again for fresh scores from the judges. Steve put on his nerd glasses and Belinda put on her turquoise dress and they got the same scores, 17. But the viewers saw tipped things in Steve’s favor and it was Belinda who went home first.

Jewel’s rendition of Over the Rainbow was spellbinding. I didn’t expect that. Why? Well, it’s a classic and so very hard to put afresh spin on that one. And yet she did. I just loved it. She hitnotes I didn’t even know she could hit. I know she can yodel, but man this was impressive. Gorgeous.

American Idol was country night with Randy Travis as the mentor. He’s aging really well, don’t you think? And boy can he sing. Tonight he will sing a duet with Carrie Underwood. Brad Paisley will also perform on the results show. But I’m jumping ahead. Let’s start with the very nice Michael Sarver who sang Garth’s Ain’t Goin’ Down ‘Til the Sun Comes Up. It was fine. He got in all the words. And yet. Meh. He’s my pick to go. Allison did Blame it on Your Heart a song that was a hit for PattyLoveless. Jim and I were watching Idol together and he remarked that if he didn’t know Patty’s version he guesses Allison’s would be OK. Loveless is incredible. Allison has such a rocker voice to me. She was fine with it. And she’s totally morphing into Kelly Clarkson witha slightly deeper voice.

Kris Allen shaved and played to his demo with Garth’s To Make YourFeel My Love. Wise choice on his part. Lil Rounds did MartinaMcBride’s Independence Day. I loved Lil’s jewelry. She looked great in fuchsia. I just expected goosebumps and didn’t get them. But of course she sounded great. Jim really loved. I simply thought it was OK even though I can’t say there was anything wrong with it. Now, THE performance. Adam Lambert’s Ring of Fire. I thought it was freakin’ awesome. Not only can I say it reminded me of Duran Duran I’ll go deeper and say Arcadia. How’s that for a flash from the past. He totally Simon Le Bonned it for me and I loved the arrangement. However, I can appreciate that a hardcore country fan would not groove upon such a thing. Simon, and Jim, thought it was indulgent rubbish. As soon as it was over I wanted to hear it again. Loooovvvvvved it. And, I might add, I also love Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire. So there.

Scott MacIntyre’s Wild Angels was nice. Alexis Grace’s Jolene probably put her on the bubble. That’s one of my favorite DollyParton songs. I think it was Dolly’s first number one. And Alexis just didn’t do much with it if you ask me. Alexis has exquisite skin by the way. Danny Gokey did Jesus Take the Wheel. Great job. I didn’t mind his arctic explorer look. I am willing to accept that they will never bring Robert Downey Jr. on to stand next to him just like they never brought Vin Diesel on to stand next to Chris Daughtry. Let’s talk about the biggest surprise of the night. Because I wasn’t surprised that Adam did something funky with a country song. I was surprised that Anoop owned You Were Always on my Mind. What a great job. Simon said he went from zero to hero and he was right. Anoop is saaaaaaafe.

Did you notice Megan Corkrey has dropped her last name and is now using her middle name of Joy? Jim thought it might be because it was too similar to Gokey. Anyway. She looked supermodel stunning last night. And her version of Patsy Cline’s Walkin’ After Midnight was amazing. With the flu too. Just incredible. Did you notice she was wearing the same earrings as Paula? I assume they are from Paula’s jewelry line. And for the first time I found the always-pleasant Matt Giraud to be really great. He did Carrie Underwood’s So Small. It was spectacular.

So who do I think is in trouble? Michael and Alexis. Bottom three might include Lil but then they will sit her right back down. What an entertaining and surprising show it was on Idol.


Podcast Summary #6 Tue March 17, 2009

And a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you. Being the celebration day of a saint, of course it means Patrick died on this date. In 461 I do believe. Yes, taught the Trinity by use of the clover, converted most of the island of Ireland to Christianity, but the image that stays with many is he drove the snakes out of Ireland.

Adam Cravens visited the podcast today. Adam is one of my Irregulars and you can learn more about them on the Know Jane page at www.thejaneellen.com. Adam and I looked it up. With the exception of zoos and people who have them as pets, there really are no snakes in Ireland. How bout that? Indiana Jones would be happy there. At least regarding his snake phobia. Legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes into the sea. Adam mentioned parseltongue and let the blasphemy begin.

Dancing with the Stars was a delight. As it always is to me. Here’s the lowdown. Holly and Dmitry danced the quickstep. I like her. I like how she said she was inept. It kind seemed like he was pulling her around the floor. They scored an 18. David and Kym scored a 17 with their salsa. I thought Kym was dressed in a sequined nude Mrs.Santa outfit. I also feel the judges are more lenient with Holly and harder on David. Either way, I don’t think they’re going home first. Denise and Maksim danced the quickstep and scored a 21. One of the reasons I love Maks, “when you feel the pain, you’re doing it right.” Their quickstep was to We Go Together, the very last song in Grease.Which is so weird because Brien and I were just talking about that song yesterday.

Belinda and Jonathan got an 18 with the salsa. Loved the black fringe on her turquoise dress. Ty and Chelsie got a 20. I. Love. Ty. He’s hysterical. His stiff carriage really leant itself to the hold in the quickstep. His concentration face is a joy. I hope he stays awhile. Shawn and Mark got a 24 with their salsa. They are the cutest couple. Bruno telling the 17-year-old Shawn to be naughty was a little creepy. Steve and Karina got a 17 with their quickstep. He is dancing with an injury. And the Woz seems so happy to be there. As Adam put it, if he’s sent home first he can just go home and bathe in a tub of money and laugh some more.

Julianne and Chuck look really good together and he is funny. They got a 20 on their salsa. She said the salsa goes against every masculine bone in Chuck’s body. I love watching a man doing the salsa. I don’t find it at all fem. Lawrence and Edyta got a 20 on their quickstep. Instead of skin, Edyta went with all black netting and a few well-placed flowers. They were fine. Steve-O got injured two hours before the show during dress rehearsal. He landed on his mic pack, which was on his back aroundwaist level. He was taken to the hospital and Lacey stood alone while the judges remarked. They showed the taped dress rehearsal dance.Their salsa got a 14. Lil Kim and Derek did a lovely quickstep to Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend. Not a shiv as Adam put it. Look it up. They got a 23.

Melissa and Tony were dynamite doing the salsa. Love her. Go Melissa. They got a 26. They received a standing ovation. I don’t know much at all about Melissa but I am thrilled for her and I am thrilled she’s such a great dancer.And Gilles and Cheryl. Also freakin’ awesome. They got a 27. Their quickstep to Kryptonite was very cool. He was the best-looking Clark Kent I’ve ever seen. And Adam has a Superman hang up so that was his favorite dance. They are at the top with a combined score of 51. Steve and Karina are at the bottom.

Adam had a time with the story about a guy who made a dummy to put inhis car just to use the high occupancy vehicle lane and got pulled over. The dummy had a Gandalf mask on. Adam will gladly discussanything sci-fi. And couldn’t quite fathom the fact that yesterday Brien said he liked Star Trek V, however, he has not made it throughLord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring. A movie that’s made, like,a billion dollars. It’s beyond the both of us, really. Because Adam and I have seen Fellowship at least 300 times. Throw Jim into the mixand you’re looking at 500, easy. That’s why we just can’t comprehend Brien’s just not getting past the first half hour. His life is just not complete. Yet.

Anyway. It’s finally a gorgeous day outside. I am planning to enjoy it.


Podcast Summary for Monday, March 16, 2009

Today I was lucky enough to convince Brien Travis to pop in on part of
the podcast. Now he has no issue with singing for thousands of
people, but it takes a great deal of convincing, some would call it
whining, to get him to stop by for just a few minutes of his precious
time. He is, after all, recording a new album called Dead Famous. It
will be available digitally in July. There Brien, it’s in print and
we’ve broadcast it so finish that puppy up.

But we had more important things to talk about. Like the new Star Trek
movie. Star Trek XI is in theaters and our butts will be watching it
together May 8. My Irregulars and I are all about some sci-fi. Now
the thing you need to know about this Star Trek movie that has us all
aquiver is that JJ Abrams is behind it. He is the creator of Lost,
one of my favorite shows. And he says he was more of a Star Wars guy
growing up. And this is, wait for it, wait for it, an odd numbered
Star Trek. We all know that the even numbered StarTrek movies have
been better historically. Starting with Wrath of Khan. Until Star
Trek X. Which blew.

Oh, sure, I enjoy even the sub par Star Treks on some level. Just
like I enjoyed the Star Wars trilogy prequels on a certain level. Not
on a level of them being good or anything, but they still have a
special place in my heart. After all, it’s still Star Wars.

However, Brien and I are in a tizzy over Star Trek. So much so we’ve
been drooling over the official website and repeatedly watching the
trailers. Now, we don’t go to the conventions. Not that there’s
anything wrong with that. Just wanted you to know how deep we were
into it. Into it, but not so much as to name a child Riker. The
difference is subtle, I know. And what’s with Brien not realizing
that Leonard Nimoy, the original Spock, is in this film? Whhaattt?
How many times does the clue bus have to drive by? You thought the
voice in the trailer sounded familiar? Sigh.

By the way, if you’re not into Star Trek, JJ Abrams says you will
still enjoy the film. Well, one would expect him to say that. But
he’s making this from the very beginning. When Kirk and Spock and
Bones first got together. So you don’t have to have any advance
knowledge to understand the Star Trek universe. Though, seriously, I
don’t know how you cannot know these names. But I know such people

There are even more who are unfamiliar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I had to beg Brien to watch the TV show because he had seen the movie
and had been so under whelmed. Well, he’s thanking me for it now.
Another addiction. Luckily the entire series is on DVD now. And it
rocks. Vampires have long fascinated me. Especially how their myth
came into being. Bram Stoker made them uber popular but he didn’t
come up with the concept.

What I found really interesting is anthropologists have just found the
remains of a plague victim buried with a brick in her mouth. You
know. The Plague. That was back in the day when people did not
understand how the body decomposed. And they certainly didn’t
understand what caused the plague. Anyway, the dead bodies looked
like they had blood coming from their mouths so, in order to stop them
from rising from the dead and “feeding” a non-edible thing, like a
brick, was allegedly put in their jaws. So in Venice it’s pretty cool
that they found proof of this practice. Proof from an anthropological
point of view of course. Vampires aren’t real. Though I do like how
in books and movies they’re always so fashion conscious.

We haven’t seen Race to Witch Mountain--yet--but it was number one at
the box office over the weekend and made about $25 million.

How refreshingly different of Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke to not
have given their newborn twin sons whacked out names. They have named
them Max and Bob. Charlie has a 24-year-old daughter named Cassandra.
And he has a 5-year-old daughter named Sam and a 3-year-old named
Lola. I can spell and pronounce all of those names with ease. I am
sure their teachers will thank Charlie and the three different women
who bore these children and who, no doubt, had something to do with
the naming process. Way to go regular names. Of course, you would
expect that kind of talk from someone named Jane. So be it.

No matter how irritating your boss is, don’t ever, ever, put
tranquilizers in their coffee because you feel they need to “chill
out.” Some chick in Arkansas did that. Not a smart move on her part.
The guy is OK. He noticed his coffee tasted off right away. I am
curious, however, did he really need to chill out? What I have found
with people I have worked with in the past, just drugging them would
not have solved the problem. Oh sure, for a few hours. But what they
really needed was an entire personality transplant. Drugging your
boss and co-workers is wrong people. Don’t do it. Even if they seem
to be begging for it. Be strong.

Celebrity Apprentice is hopping with Dennis Rodman in the mix. When
Trump had to decide whether or not to fire him or Tom Green, he chose
Tom. Who was surprised at best.

Christie and Jodie, the chicks who came in first last week came in
last on the Amazing Race. But they were not eliminated. They will
just have to perform a speed bump. A task that only they will have to
do during the next leg of the race.

I watched the movie Penelope over the weekend. I have every single
movie channel there is on my dish. Which is why I so rarely go to the
theater to see one. It will eventually come to my own hi def TV.
This was a pleasant little movie with Christina Ricci who had been
cursed to look like a pig. Well, really just her nose and ears. It
has a great moral in that you need to like yourself for who you are.
In that, it reminded me of the original Shrek. It’s not animated by
the way. It’s quite pleasant. There’s a rakish piano player in it as
well. You should watch it.

Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. And tomorrow is St. Patrick’s
Day. The day when everyone’s Irish, even when they’re not. Lucky for
you, I am. Legitimately.


The One About Birthdays

Birthdays.  Everyone has one.  Whether you like it or not.  Mine was
in February. It was the 26th. Feel free to mark it down so you can
send me a gift next year. Or a belated one this year. I am a huge
believer in birthdays. Which is an odd thing to say. They do exist
you know. And yet, there are those who like to pretend they don’t.

I happen to have several friends who don’t “do” birthdays. Their own
that is. They “do” celebrate other people’s birthdays. Which is very
gracious. On the one hand, as a supporter of doing your own thing on
your birthday, I say go ahead, ignore it. On the other hand, it is me
who is a part of the equation. If I choose, you will feel Jane love
and you may be gifted or caked so suck it up.

Other than my 18th birthday when my friends surprised me at an ice
cream parlor (where I received lottery tickets—I didn’t win-- and the
only copy of Playgirl I’ve ever seen), I have been the one who has
planned my birthdays. Sometimes I have gathered friends at a favorite
restaurant. Other times I have cooked a big meal and had people over.
It all depends upon my mood. But I have never, ever, ignored it.
And don’t plan on doing so in the future.

Perhaps it’s because I’m just a hair over 30. Maybe it’s the aging
process that’s getting to my friends. Huh. One of my anti-birthday
friends is just 21 so it can’t be that. It could’ve been something
unpleasant happened on a birthday once. That’s happened to everybody.
Get over it. Life is short. Have a little fun.

Approach your birthday the way Anna Grace and Jenna do. They’ve been
talking about their birthdays since November. Anna Grace will turn
four in May and Jenna will turn three in August (on the 23rd). Every
day we talk about their birthdays. Every. Single. Day.

We talk about who will have a birthday before their birthday that they
know. Brien is next. Then their great Aunt Frances, and then
cousins Melissa, Thomas and Eric. Then their daddy. We talk about
what the weather will be like on their respective birthdays. That
would be hot at the end of May and super hot at the end of August. We
discuss what we did for their birthdays last year and how we plan to
do it-- but bigger this year. We have been planning their birthdays
for five months now. Which reminds me, I really need to actually plan
something and not just go along with their discussion.

Though Anna Grace’s birthday party, which falls around and sometimes
on Memorial Day (hers is May 26), was a huge success last year. Her
best bud Blake came over. The girls had grown out of their bathing
suits so they just ran into this thing we have that’s not really a
sprinkler. It does shoot out water at the bottom and balance golf
ball sized balls on water bursts and then spits the balls out into the
yard. It also makes an enormous mud puddle. What they remember most
is the mud. Three kids and some mud. We hosed them off, sugared them
up, and everyone was happy. Happy enough to remember it all year

Maybe you non-believers in birthdays ought to try that. Count the
days until your birthday. Accept your gifts like they’re just what
you wanted even if there’s nothing you need. Take your shirt off with
your bestest bud. Play in the mud and have some cake. It just might
change your whole attitude about birthdays. Unless you’re me, you’re
going to age so you might as well enjoy it.


The Podcast Summary Episode 4 03.13.09

Happy Friday the 13th.  Hope you don’t have issues with that.  But
today I get to use one of my favorite words. Triskaidekaphobia. Fear
of the number thirteen. I don’t have that fear. But that word does
just roll off the tongue. I know someone with a fear of frogs. I'm
not here to name names right now. I'm not too fond of crickets
myself. They have teeth you know. Interesting to me that some people
do have a fear of a number though. You know many hotels that have
more than 13 floors will ignore floor 13 and call it the 14th floor
just because so many people have problems with that number. Some
apartment buildings call the 13th floor M because M is the 13th letter
of the alphabet. The whole thirteen is a bad thing is usually related
to Judas being the thirteenth to be seated at the Last Supper. There
are others, by the way. Vikings aren’t fond of the number because
Loki, god of chaos, is the thirteenth god in their pantheon.
Mesopotamians did not groove on 13 either. It even goes back to the
Code of Hammurabi where the number 13 was simply left out. But did you
know there is a fear of the number four as well? Yes, that’s
tetraphobia. We’ll try to work that in some other day. And, if you
want to learn a really long word, there is a great one for people who
are specifically afraid of Friday the 13th, and that word is
paraskavedekatriaphobia. Cool, huh?

Jim sat in on today’s podcast. He is getting better. That strep is a
beyotch. I think Brien is coming down with it. I simply cannot have
all the men in my life sick. Certainly not at the same time. It’s
simply unbearable. For me. Oh sure, it’s no fun for them either.

Survivor was on last night. Jim’s been keeping up with it. I thought
it was all sitting on our DVR. I was mistaken. The jock that kept
catching balls, but not in his mouth, lost a tooth. His name is JT.
Taj, who Jim says is a pop star, or was, found the hidden immunity
Idol. And Spencer was voted off the Idol. Which is OK because he can
devote more time to his store. Spencer’s Gifts. Kidding. But you’ve
got to buy your blacklight posters somewhere.

It's also the tournament of champions on Jeopardy. The only time Jim
feels almost stupid. Can't believe he didn't get the final Jeopardy
question when clearly the answer was Ravel's Bolero. Hello, French,
repeating musical phrase. What else could it be?

April issue, Lucky Magazine, page 72. Let’s all turn to it now
please. Karen Millen black and white lace pumps. They’re $255. I
wear a size 8 Karen. You can email me. I can’t do the stuff they do
on Survivor. But I can wear heels like nobody’s business. I’ve never
wanted shoes so much before like I want these. However, I don’t have
the spare change. I’ve also never paid that much for shoes. But I am
willing to accept them as a gift. They. Are. Stunning.

Brien and I are not old enough to remember Disney’s 1975 super cool
movie Escape to Witch Mountain or its sequel Return From Witch
Mountain. We didn’t watch the 1995 made for television movie remake
either. However. We are dying to see Race to Witch Mountain, which
comes out today. He’s not called the Rock anymore. Jim says it’s
officially Dwayne Johnson. I know he has skills. Jim made me watch
plenty of wrestling back when he wrestled. He can act. And he has my
utmost attention. We need to go see that movie.

The Last House on the Left is another remake out today. Of course
this one is rated R, unlike Witch Mountain, which is PG. Sunshine
Cleaning and Miss March are also rated R, both comedies out today.

The new camcorder has arrived and we are taking your requests in the
Chat Jane forum for unusual things you would like us to try. Lemons
and salt is one request. And, in honor of the king, it’s not unusual
(to be loved by anyone)…but Brien has never had Elvis’s favorite
sammich fried peanut butter and bananas. That shall be remedied. You
have a suggestion, let us know at www.thejaneellen.com and check out
the forum.

And for those who have kindly thought my theme song was actually me
singing, it’s actually Julee Cruise. The song is called The Art of
Being A Girl. Download it today because Julee rocks


The Podcast Summary Episode 2

  I don’t know how I did it.  But yesterday I stayed up for 24 hours
straight with no ill effects. I didn’t plan to do it. It just
happened. And you know, the ill effects have set in today. I was
never one for pulling all-nighters those few brief years ago when I
was in college. There’s a reason for that. And my girls are watching
The Smurfs right now and I want to die. I hate the Smurfs and their
smurfing good time. I’m glad they’re occupied. However. Papa
Smurf’s voice is like a gnat in my brain.

After we got the site launched and the first podcast up and running,
my husband’s health went from bad to worse. Even though I had been
shoveling Advil down his throat every four hours his fever eventually
rose to over 103. As a physician, I had diagnosed him with strep on
Sunday or Monday. Jim had grumbled that he had been around no one
therefore he didn’t have it. You’d think by now he would listen.

Thanks to the schedule that Brien works and the sympathy he had for
us, he came over at 11:30 at night so we could spend some quality time
in the ER. Three glorious hours and one enormous shot later and we
were back. I was justified that Jim had something wrong with him. So
there was that. But now I have waiting room germs all over me.

And after being up for 24 hours my children decided to help the
situation. They left Brien alone. 3:20am, I had just fallen asleep
and Anna Grace was at my bedside. I convinced her to go sleep on the
couch. Clearly, she is turning into the bad sleeper that her mother
is. Then, just an hour or two after that, Jenna showed up. She is
not a wiggly sleeper like Anna Grace and served as a nice heating pad.
Which is convenient seeing as the gorgeous preview of summer we had
yesterday is quickly disappearing today. I got an hour of sleep here,
an hour there. But I’ve just ingested 80 milligrams of caffeine.
Once I depuff my eyes I’ll be ready to face the day. I’ve got plenty
of black eyeliner. I can pull it off.

Now let’s talk about American Idol, shall we? The Michael Jackson
catalogue. Lil Rounds started the show with The Way You Make Me Feel.
She did a terrific job and she is safe. Scott MacIntyre was
comfortable behind the piano and played a song I had never heard of
called Keep the Faith. He was good. I don’t think he’ll go. Danny
Gokey, aka Robert Downey Jr., did PYT and rocked it. Love him love
him love him. And not just because of the incredibly sad recently
deceased wife back-story. I just think Danny is the bomb. I loved
his dorky dancing. I love his different glasses every week. He’s
easily going into the top five. That was obvious from the first time
I saw him. Not going into the top five is super nice guy Michael
Sarver. He did You Are Not Alone. And he won’t be when he’s sent
home tonight because they’re sending two of them packing. He was
fine. It’s just that it was meh. And wasn’t that the creepy video
Michael did with then wife Lisa Marie? That scarred my corneas.

Jasmine Murray did I’ll Be There. Cute outfit. I thought it was
screechy. Kris Allen whipped out his guitar and sang Do You Remember
the Time. Problem is I keep forgetting about him. Allison Iraheta
sang Give It to Me. Never heard of it. But she is freakin’ awesome.
Anoop Desai sang Beat It. Brien aptly said might as well shoot it. I
suspect votefortheworst.com is backing Anoop. I haven’t bothered to
check or anything…It was not good. Not good Anoop Dawg. Abye bye.
Jorge Nunez sang Never Can Say Goodbye. He may very well be learning
that tonight.

Megan Corkrey chose Rockin’ Robin. Looked like she was doing the
chicken dance. Well, a chicken is a bird. She has such a quirky
voice. Love her. Adam Lambert is an amazing performer who can sing
like nobody’s business. He did Black or White. I thought it was
great and again, a finalist who was easy to spot from the beginning.
Matt Giraud played the piano to Human Nature. Great job but maybe
forgettable. And Alexis Grace wore a naughty outfit and sang Dirty
Diana. I barely remember that song. I remember Janet Jackson’s Black
Cat. But Michael’s Dirty Diana?

Now the top 13 will become the top 11 tonight. My original picks to
go are Anoop and Michael Sarver. Brien thinks because he likes Megan
then she will surely go. By the way, people I mention a lot or who
guest on the podcast are included on the Know Jane page on
www.thejaneellen.com. Jim thinks Jorge is a goner. Jasmine is on the
bubble. So is Alexis. And Anoop does have the Sanjaya factor going.
He is extremely likeable too. Idol can be so hard to call. If I were
picking it based on last night’s performance, and mind you I didn’t
vote, I would eliminate Anoop and Michael.

Speaking of TV, Lost is on tonight. Sweet. And the latest
television watching study says it doesn’t harm your kids. Well, as
long as you don’t let them watch something inappropriate. That’s a
different study. Some studies had said that if you let kids under the
age of two it messed up your kids. This new study now says no it
doesn’t. Says their motor skills and vocabulary skills are great.
But if you let them watch too much your kids, like you, can become
obese and lose sleep. Why? Because they’re leading sedentary lives.

There’s a quilting magazine called Quilter’s Home that is causing a
stir among those who quilt. The article is called Shocking Quilts. I
guess I never thought that those who quilted would have a shocking
streak in them. Seems they do. The magazine has photos of some of
the quilts including “a gun wielding Jesus” and “a gigantic phallus.”
I want to be clear that those are two different quilts.

The Podcast Summary Episode 3

 Isn’t it somebody’s job to remind me when it is a new episode of Lost
and when it is a repeat of Lost? I went all day yesterday thinking it
was a new episode Wednesday when, in fact, it was a repeat Wednesday.
Now, I did know this. I knew it last week when, at the end of the
show, the promo said “in two weeks.” I believe foul language was used
on my part to show my displeasure. I was so upset by it that I
refused to believe it. Clearly. So imagine my disappointment when I,
popcorn hand, went to the paused TV (how did I survive without the
ability to do that?) and it was American Idol?

Not that I’m not all about Idol. But I was totally in the mood for
Lost. Sigh. By the way, try this. Air popped popcorn, spray on
butter, the kind with no fat, no calories, you know, the kind that
looks like hairspray, then add garlic salt and, wait for it, wait for
it, Parmesan cheese. I’ve been surviving on that stuff for years. My
girls have it for breakfast every weekend. As do I.

Anyway, Idol. First thing to note, www.votefortheworst.com is
backing Megan, not Anoop. I was surprised about that. Second,
redheaded teenager looks more and more like Kelly Clarkson to me.
Which was easy to see since Kelly was on last night’s show. And have
you seen the single cover photo to Kelly’s My Life Would Suck Without
You? She’s got heart-shaped lollipop in the photo, wearing red, it’s
that one. OK, now spend some quality time familiarizing yourself with
an amazing country singer named KT Oslin. In some of KT’s photos, she
and Kelly, in that particular photo of Kelly, look freakishly alike.
Just thought I’d toss that out there. I’m sure Kelly knows who KT is.
Kelly’s got country in her too. And they’ve both won Grammys. You
know how all Grammy-winners know each other.

Seeing as I’ve already talked about Kelly, let me mention Kanye West.
Loved the mixed denim outfit. Which is very hard to do. And I
thought it was great of him that just in case one of the judges
spilled their drink he had a hefty dish towel in his back pocket for
easy clean up. Very thoughtful.

Seacrest was sporting a very sharp black pinstripe suit. Nice. The
French version of the show already has this feature and now American
Idol has what is called the Judge’s Save. Up until the final five
contestants, the judges can choose to save one if they feel they are
going too soon much like in the case of Chris Daughtry and others in
Idol history. All four must agree. And, if they do save one, then no
one goes home that week. However, two must go the following week.

My picks did not go this week. Jasmine went. I was not surprised at
that. And Jorge went. Wasn’t surprised either. He is a better singer
than Anoop but Anoop is more entertaining. And
www.votefortheworst.com is not backing Anoop they are backing Megan.
That did surprise me. Huh.

30 Rock is on tonight. And there was much rejoicing. That show
tickles me way deep down inside. I want to think of awards just to
give to Alec Baldwin he amuses me so much. Love. It.

Let me invite you to participate in the Chat Jane forum at
www.thejaneellen.com. You can start up any topic you like or join in
the ones already there. The podcasts will be on iTunes by next week.
And they will be longer. Bigger. Uncut.

Oh, if you are unfamiliar with the totally rockin’ song Barracuda by
Heart, youtube it. I have introduced it to Anna Grace and Jenna
because, as sisters, I felt they should know that sisters could rock.
Anna Grace calls it the song about the fish with teeth. Now they want
to be drummers. Which I found odd because I hear the smokin’ guitar
more. But my girls hear the drums. So be it. Brainwash the young
ones to know good music and all will be well in the world. They also
love the song Frankenstein. Look it up.


The Podcast Summary

 Today is the day that this website went live. Today is the day of my
very first podcast. Cannot even say the word podcast without thinking
podpeople. Is that just me? (I’m talking about Invasion of the Body
Snatchers just in case that passed you by.) My husband calls me a
podperson because I have no physical reaction to cold stimuli. He
says I’m not human. That is quite possibly true. I am currently
functioning at a very high level with a large stake protruding from
behind my left eye. Oh, wait a minute, it’s just a blistering
headache. As I sit here next to the chocolate cake with peanut butter
frosting that I never should’ve made, I am reminded of lines from the
1980 movie Airplane. “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit
smoking… Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.” I
haven’t touched the cake yet. Just looking at it.
On the dawn of this day of my very first podcast Anna Grace, my
oldest, decided to cut back my usual five hours of sleep down to just
under four. It was 3am and she couldn’t sleep. She must’ve been
worried about the site launch too. After she relocated from her
monster-ridden bedroom to the monster-free couch, she was able to
sleep. The monsters do not seem to bother her younger sister. Yet.
I, however, was awakened. And when this monster is awakened, there is
no turning back unless drugs, prescription people, prescription, are
introduced. And I had not time for that. I had a podcast to do.
First, let me say, that even though I’m writing this and I’m
responsible for the content of what you hear on the podcast; the
person whose life was sucked away by the design and building of my
website is Brien Travis. Like many of my creative friends, he can do
more than one thing. I find it annoying in a jealous rage type of
way. He’s a musician, he’s a songwriter, he’s a singer, he’s a
dessert topping, he’s a floor wax, he’s my webmaster. And he’s still
speaking to me. Frankly, I think he enjoys the abuse.
While preparing for this podcast and putting together this website, I
kept coming across a tantalizing bit of trivia that, if true, would be
up there with who coined the term rock’n’roll? DJ Alan Freed did
that. I kept reading that former MTV VJ Adam Curry came up with the
term podcasting. Upon further investigation, Adam made the term
popular. It was word of the year in 2005. However, it was a
journalist by the name of Ben Hammersley who was the first to put pod
from Apple’s iPod, the best selling mp3 player, together with the cast
from broadcast, together. Now there are those who don’t want to
mention Apple every time. But do you reach for a tissue or a Kleenex?
Even if it’s a Puffs, it’s a Kleenex in my head. Or hand for that
matter. Great marketing. Anyway, for those who are anti-Apple they
prefer to say that pod doesn’t refer to iPod but to Personal On
Demand. Which it is. My podcast, any podcast, is a radio broadcast
whenever you want to hear it. And there are those, like CBS, who call
their podcasts netcasts. Tomato tomahto.
And for those new to podcast listening, because you picked up the
iPod reference, you do not need one in order to listen. A podcast can
be heard on any mp3-enabled device. That includes a desktop computer.
If you have something that plays mp3’s you can hear my podcast
whenever you want to. I’ll be doing them five days a week at
www.thejanellen.com. And so, on with today’s show.
Dancing with the Stars, from here on DWTS, returned last night, for
two glorious hours. Last season was supposedly the most injury-ridden
season of them all. Until this season when two of the celebrities,
Jewel and Nancy O’Dell, had to pull out before the show even aired.
This season began with Lil Kim, minus the pasties, and Derek cha cha
cha-ing to Nasty. Lil Kim said the first time she ever watched DWTS
was when she was in prison. Awesome. She dedicated her performance
to her friends still in the pen. Bruno said she worked wonders with
her tooshie and they got a 21.
Former Go-Go Belinda Carlisle did the waltz with Jonathon. She said
the spins make her nauseous. She physically reminded me of Priscilla
Presley. Bruno said he reminded her of Cloris Leachman. They got a
17. Football player Lawrence Taylor danced the cha cha cha with
Edyta. He seemed a bit stiff and they scored 16. Edyta had one of my
favorite how does she keep it on costumes. However, Karina won the
night with a nearly nude ensemble.
Steve-O from Jackass waltzed with Lacey Schwimmer. She was the
perfect partner for him. Quirky. Johnny Knoxville and Wee Man were
in the audience. Lacey had a super cool peacock feather dress on and
I thought he did really well. They got a 17.
Now, let me turn my attention to Gilles Marini. All of my attention.
We have a frontrunner. Because I have been a total slacker, I have
not watched the Sex and the City movie. I know. I suck. But I have
heard about “the naked guy.” And he is smokin’ hot. And you know
what? He can dance. For real. He’s paired with Cheryl Burke.
Usually, I am so mesmerized by Cheryl’s dancing that I don’t even
notice her partner. Such was not the case for me last night. Believe
me, I noticed Gilles. So much so I had to back it up and watch it
again. I still can’t bring myself to delete it. They scored a 24.
Real life couple Chuck Wicks danced with Julianne Hough. They look
lovely together and waltzed their way to a 20. I imagine she is quite
a taskmaster in the dance studio. I was amused when she said she
thought he would be a worse dancer than he was.
Jewel’s replacement was Playboy Playmate Holly Madison. Holly had
five days to learn her dance, instead of four weeks like everyone
else. She danced with Dmitry Chaplin. He’s new to the show. Love
the see-through shirt Dmitry. He’s like a junior Maksim. And I’ve no
problem with that. They got an 18.
Jewel’s husband, rodeo rider Ty Murry danced with new to the show
professional Chelsie Hightower. I love him. He’s hilarious. He said
much like the rodeo, you’re never completely ready, it just becomes
your turn. He’s not a very good dancer. I hope he doesn’t go right
away. They only got a 14. But I really, really like him.
The youngest competitor is Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson. She’s 17
and is dancing with 21-year-old Mark Ballas. They look great together
and did a fantastic waltz scoring them a 23.
The co-founder of Apple Computers, genius Steve Wozniak, was paired
with Maksim’s fiancĂ© Karina Smirnoff. It was great to see Steve
practice in black shorts and black socks. Then you have Karina in
that black netting leotard with fringe just where it needs to be. And
that’s it. Way to go Karina. Their cha cha cha got the lowest score
with a 13. Will computer nerds be voting for Steve? I don’t know.
But he seemed like a delightful man. Just not a great dancer.
David Alan Grier danced with Kym Johnson. Who thought we needed to
hear You Light Up My Life ever again? Anyway, their waltz was good
and they got a 19. And my Maks was paired with Denise Richards who,
it turns out, can do the splits. They did the cha cha cha and got an
18. Maksim, when will we get to dance together?
The final couple was clearly a crowd favorite for two reasons. One,
Melissa Rycroft had been proposed to by The Bachelor. The back-story
is they were kept apart for six weeks and then brought together on
live TV last week for the finale reunion show. That’s where he dumped
her and asked the runner up to marry him instead. Melissa is a former
Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. But I think the truly amazing thing about
her, no matter who she is, is that she stepped in for Nancy O’Dell.
She started training with Tony to do the waltz on Saturday. She
danced with him on Monday. They scored a 23. That’s natural talent.
I didn’t watch The Bachelor. I just heard about what happened.
We all hear and hope that when a door closes a window opens. Way to
go Melissa. She did a great job.
I had no idea that the fine state of Tennessee in which I reside was
home to not one but two of the manliest cities in the nation. Memphis
rated number 11 but Nashville is number 1. Why? It’s the frequency
of monster truck rallies and popularity of hardware stores and
professional major league sports teams. Oh, it’s true. The number 2
manliest city in the nation is Charlotte, NC, followed by Oklahoma
City, Cincinnati, and then Denver. All of this causes me to wonder if
there is a list of most feminine cities. Or effeminate cities. Or do
I have to make a list of my own?
American Idol tonight. Potential train wreck. But isn’t there
always that potential? Which is why I watch. The top 13 will perform
the songs of Michael Jackson. Now, he is the King of Pop for a
reason. However, Idol contestants are not known for choosing songs
wisely. And I doubt there’ll be too many shiny happy David Cook
moments. Can’t imagine it will go well for that welder guy. He’s a
welder, right? You know who I’m talking about. I like him, but I
don’t see him doing Jacko. And should anyone sing Beat It or Bad I
will be hearing Weird Al lyrics in my head. But that’s my problem.
Wednesday’s Idol show will feature a performance, translate filler,
by Kelly Clarkson AND one by Kanye West.
Combos. Seven ounces equals seven servings? Bah. The perfect
hunger management snack. The bag isn’t big enough and I will not
listen to their siren song again. Evil. Sing to me no more you
cheese filled snack wrapped in pretzely goodness. I cast you off.