8.18.2009

The One About My Husband

Me. Usually it's all about me. What I think, what I like or, most often, don't like. The world revolves around me, me, me. That being admitted, let's talk about other people, shall we? Mainly, my husband, Jim.

I know that I have my eccentricities. I really don't like shaking hands with people. I think mayonnaise other than Hellmann's tastes a bit off. And I believe chocolate-covered raisins count as a fruit, not a candy. Sure, I'm delusional. But I am aware of it. Jim has many a bizarre habit and yet, he thinks they are normal. Well they are normal, for him.

For instance, he thinks that different shapes of pasta taste different. He will only eat regular spaghetti noodles and elbow macaroni. He takes umbrage with bow tie pasta, angel hair, lasagna noodles, and more. In case you didn't know, pasta has different shapes to help hold the traditional sauces that it's served with. Makes sense when you think about it. Jim swears that the other pasta shapes taste funny. I'm not even talking about wheat pasta or the green stuff. He's just that way.

Cookie bars. He's a fan. Because the girls are little I tend to make cookie bars more often than cookies so I am not opening the oven door a lot. Oh, and it's just plain easier for me. The cookie bars I make most often are chocolate chip cookie bars and chess bars. Everyone in the house is cool with that. What's the problem you say? Jim only likes the ones from the center of the pan. He won't eat the corner or outside edge pieces. Too crunchy. Or he'll eat them and complain about it the entire time he's wolfing them down.

He thinks seafood is repulsive. I realize that Jim is not alone in this. He will eat fried fish, because, well, it's fried. And once in a while he will eat salmon. For some reason, tuna fish doesn't count in his seafood-hating world. He's all about a tuna sandwich. As long as it's swimming in an obscene amount of mayonnaise. Try to get him to eat shrimp, crab, lobster, anything with legs and antenna or a shell, and it's a no-go.

Perhaps that's because his family has been landlocked for over 200 years. His kin are still in the same county in Kentucky they wandered into back then. Fresh seafood wasn't common. Unlike my family. They're from Rhode Island. The sea is right there. You eat what's around you. Jim often refers to my ancestors as grass-eaters. (I'm mostly Irish.) His family survived on all things pig-related. And anything fried or lard-based. He can eat an entire pound of bacon by himself. And would every day if I let him. I refer to his family as inbred. It's all in good fun. There's been a bit of genealogy done on both sides of our families. And somewhere some relative married another. I have forgotten the specifics. Not brother and sister by any means. That's creepy. And wrong. It was more like a cousins or second cousins. But they were close enough on the family tree for the joke to be valid.

Jim will only eat salad if it's covered in meat and cheese. Lettuce is optional. But hey, I know someone who, other than potatoes, won't eat any white food. (Think cottage cheese, cream cheese, sour cream, etc.)

My husband also has food texture issues. If I am baking anything I expect him to eat, it can't have nuts in it. Not that he doesn't like nuts. He just likes them by the handful, not in a cookie or a loaf. He gets particularly annoyed with nuts in brownies because the brownie is soft and then you get a nut and it just shouldn't be there. In his opinion. He has issues with raisins too. Many a time he has eaten a cookie thinking it has chocolate chips in it only to discover they were actually raisins. It takes weeks for him to get over the shock.

My spouse does not like shoes with laces. They just slow him down. He does own athletic shoes. But it's only on rare occasions that he will wear them. He will not wear any shirts or jackets with elastic at the wrist. Any type of cuff even close to that will tick him off. So a long-sleeved t-shirt is usually not on his list because of the way they are finished off at the wrist.

He will only wear a digital watch because he doesn't want to think about what time it is. He wants it precise. To the millisecond. Jim doesn't read books more than once, but he will watch some movies over and over again. He won't clean up dog or child vomit. He also doesn't look down when he walks. That means he never finds any money on the street, and he steps on things and trips on a regular basis. Which is always good for a laugh.

Jim despises getting his haircut, but likes his stylist. He can't tell the difference between pink, mauve, and Victorian rose. And he is oblivious to where almost everything in the house is kept with the exception of his clothes and his remote control. However, that could just be a man thing. He won't drink out of wide-mouth bottles either. You know, like a Gatorade bottle? He will go thirsty instead of drinking out of such a thing.

Jim can talk to anyone about anything. However, he would prefer to not meet "new people." He says he knows enough people already. Sure, he's nice enough. But he'd be just as happy at home. Talking to no one. He thinks Maryanne is hotter than Ginger on Gilligan's Island. He also prefers Betty over Veronica, Shirley over Laverne. I cannot fathom why we are together when you look at those choices. Ginger, Veronica and Laverne are clearly the ones I identify with.

So, there you go. Jim's quirks and habits in a nutshell. Oh, and something else about my husband. He doesn't like anyone to know anything about him. These revelations are sure to be a big hit with him.