Just Say No. That's what Kelly Osbourne has done. And she hasn't even been asked yet. But if Playboy gets any crazy ideas. She's not gonna do it. Unlike me and Adam. We'll take our clothes off for a decent amount. Kelly is safe on DWTS. Kathy Ireland is gone. And regarding that reality show appearance money those people from The Hills get. For 25 large you could get me, Adam, Brien AND Nathan. And we'd stay more than just two hours. Now that's some serious entertainment. Plus Adam would strip down for you too.
A poll was conducted and 15,000 women supplied the answers we needed. German men are the world's worst lovers because they are too smelly. English are too lazy and Swedish men are too quick. Americans are too dominating and Dutch are too rough while Greek are too soppy. What's soppy? The best are the Spanish, followed by the Brazilians (because they wax) and the Italians.
This creepy guy in Illinois was sneaking into apartments and rubbing on the legs of women until they woke up and then running away. This led Adam and I to speak like the pedophile on The Family Guy. Therefore you have to listen to the show to appreciate it www.thejaneellen.com click on Hear Jane.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 will soon be Kate Plus 8 with rare appearances by Jon. Hey, he just contributed the sperm anyway.
We also chatted about Kim Cattrall and Star Trek because we could. I have a lot of cooking to do. And cleaning. But I'm not barefoot. And I'm not pregnant.
9.29.2009
The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #145 09.29.09
Today we had an extra special super sexy superstar on the show. I mean other than me. Nathan Stoops was on the show. I met Nathan last week while filming the video in Nashville. He is a singer/songwriter/artist and total hottie and by the way, Chris Cagle's fiddle player. He also has a wicked sense of humor and we instantly bonded. Nathan has much to offer and you will hear a lot about him on the show and in general on a national level.
We all discovered we should be on The Hills. The "stars" make between $65 and $125 large per episode and $20-$25 large per two hour appearance. By appearance I mean a club opening. Yeah, we should be doing that. I have never seen The Hills on MTV. It's been on since 2006. Those people pulling down that change would be be Heidi Montag, Lauren Conrad, Audrina Partridge, Kristin Cavallari.
Hey, who is ready for your holiday dollars starting November 24? It's Britney Spears. Ten years have passed since Hit Me One More Time Came Out. She is releasing The Singles Collection. Her new single is called 3.
So, you're director Lee Daniels. You have a drama called Precious. It has nothing to do with Lord of the Rings, which is a shame. Award-winning actress Helen Mirren cannot play the social worker so who do you get? Nathan suggested me. Smart man. But no. You get Mariah Carey. Adam asked if he had seen Glitter. And, yes. I have nothing to add.
Simon Cowell's highly successful The X Factor is in the process of being a show on American television.
DWTS Aaron Carter and Mya both scored 27. Kathy Ireland and Tom DeLay both scored 18.
We asked Nathan what is the most interesting thing that has been thrown at him on stage. No things. Only actual people. Yes, women have thrown themselves at him. In the future he suggests cookies or, better yet, gift certificates to http://www.hotbuckles.com/.
Hey, guess what? None of us have an issue with pedophiles in Warsaw getting chemical castrations. Didn't know you could get a chemical castration either.
This is really a show you need to hear to appreciate. Go to Hear Jane at http://www.thejaneellen.com/. Sign up for the Manhattan Salon giveaway while you're there.
We all discovered we should be on The Hills. The "stars" make between $65 and $125 large per episode and $20-$25 large per two hour appearance. By appearance I mean a club opening. Yeah, we should be doing that. I have never seen The Hills on MTV. It's been on since 2006. Those people pulling down that change would be be Heidi Montag, Lauren Conrad, Audrina Partridge, Kristin Cavallari.
Hey, who is ready for your holiday dollars starting November 24? It's Britney Spears. Ten years have passed since Hit Me One More Time Came Out. She is releasing The Singles Collection. Her new single is called 3.
So, you're director Lee Daniels. You have a drama called Precious. It has nothing to do with Lord of the Rings, which is a shame. Award-winning actress Helen Mirren cannot play the social worker so who do you get? Nathan suggested me. Smart man. But no. You get Mariah Carey. Adam asked if he had seen Glitter. And, yes. I have nothing to add.
Simon Cowell's highly successful The X Factor is in the process of being a show on American television.
DWTS Aaron Carter and Mya both scored 27. Kathy Ireland and Tom DeLay both scored 18.
We asked Nathan what is the most interesting thing that has been thrown at him on stage. No things. Only actual people. Yes, women have thrown themselves at him. In the future he suggests cookies or, better yet, gift certificates to http://www.hotbuckles.com/.
Hey, guess what? None of us have an issue with pedophiles in Warsaw getting chemical castrations. Didn't know you could get a chemical castration either.
This is really a show you need to hear to appreciate. Go to Hear Jane at http://www.thejaneellen.com/. Sign up for the Manhattan Salon giveaway while you're there.
The One About Time
It's happening to me again. Spiraling. Spiraling. Not quite out of control. Give me a minute. I'll get there. It's October now. One of my favorite months. And I never finished sending all my Christmas cards from 2008. Or 2007 for that matter. And now I can't find my addresses. That's a bit of a conundrum. So if I don't want to find myself in a similar situation I have to really suck it up and find the addresses, start writing the letters I have in mind to write oh, let's say, now, and have those suckers in the mail the day after Thanksgiving. Clearly, I'm just writing this down for myself to make it all real. It's the only way I might, I say might get it done.
I've been doing more auditions and television work lately. None of it has aired yet. But so far you'll be seeing a lot of me on CMT and GAC. I'll tell you more when these projects actually are ready to be seen. They're nothing big for me. You'll just see me. That's all. Seriously.
But when I do these things I have to haul out clothes and jewelry and once I haul out I'm not so good at putting away. There is currently a small path in my bedroom passable only by tiny sure-footed burros. I really need to address that situation. It's begun to irritate even me. And it seems the house elves are on strike.
My girls are growing. This instant. I keep trying to force them into shoes and clothes that don't fit. They just got new shoes about a month ago. Anna Grace told me her feet hurt. Naturally I told her they didn't. How could they? They were a size bigger than the old ones. Well, now I can't even cram her feet into them. Wow they're growing fast. I don't recall sprinkling Miracle-Gro on them overnight. But I have been sleep-deprived so maybe I did.
I keep trying to get up earlier and get everyone out of my hair earlier so I can start working on the seemingly endless list of things it falls on me to do. Only problem is the list is growing. Just like the girls. Can a list have a growth spurt? I'm not sitting around eating bon-bons and yet time is slipping away. Hasn't anyone created something that will slow it down and at the same time give me a few days where I'm not exhausted and feel great all day? Why are you hiding it from me?
How can I stop and smell the roses when I have to pick up the dog doo and cut back the shrubs and try not to get poison ivy again? Oh, I guess I missed the roses. But the pansies and mums are out. That's a plus.
There's really only one way for me to even try and deal with this. It's time to make a list.
I've been doing more auditions and television work lately. None of it has aired yet. But so far you'll be seeing a lot of me on CMT and GAC. I'll tell you more when these projects actually are ready to be seen. They're nothing big for me. You'll just see me. That's all. Seriously.
But when I do these things I have to haul out clothes and jewelry and once I haul out I'm not so good at putting away. There is currently a small path in my bedroom passable only by tiny sure-footed burros. I really need to address that situation. It's begun to irritate even me. And it seems the house elves are on strike.
My girls are growing. This instant. I keep trying to force them into shoes and clothes that don't fit. They just got new shoes about a month ago. Anna Grace told me her feet hurt. Naturally I told her they didn't. How could they? They were a size bigger than the old ones. Well, now I can't even cram her feet into them. Wow they're growing fast. I don't recall sprinkling Miracle-Gro on them overnight. But I have been sleep-deprived so maybe I did.
I keep trying to get up earlier and get everyone out of my hair earlier so I can start working on the seemingly endless list of things it falls on me to do. Only problem is the list is growing. Just like the girls. Can a list have a growth spurt? I'm not sitting around eating bon-bons and yet time is slipping away. Hasn't anyone created something that will slow it down and at the same time give me a few days where I'm not exhausted and feel great all day? Why are you hiding it from me?
How can I stop and smell the roses when I have to pick up the dog doo and cut back the shrubs and try not to get poison ivy again? Oh, I guess I missed the roses. But the pansies and mums are out. That's a plus.
There's really only one way for me to even try and deal with this. It's time to make a list.
9.28.2009
The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #144 Mon 09.28.09
Dropping the F-bomb is one way to make a memorable debut. That's what Jenny Slate did on the season opener of SNL. It was unintentional. She was supposed to use the word freakin' and that word was being used over and over again in a sketch called Biker Chick Chat. She realized what she did and just went on. Welcome to live TV. It was changed to freakin' for the West Coast feed.
Seems Miley Cyrus has a cameo in Sex and the City 2. She and Samantha are at the same red carpet event. Samantha has gone to great pains to dress young and hip and they are both wearing the same dress. She has no lines in the movie.
Jim expressed his distress over Popeye cartoons. Yes, Bluto could be tried for assault and attempted rape. But nobody talks about that.
Justin Guarini (American Idol Season 1 runner up to Kelly Clarkson in case you didn't know) got married. He co-hosts Idol Tonight on the TV Guide Network and is working on his third album.
October 28 is when Michael Jackson: This Is It will be released in theaters. Fans lined up for three days ahead of time just to get preview tickets. 3,000 tickets were available and they were gone in two hours.
I realize it is my failing as a Catholic to keep forgetting that Benedict is the Pope and not JP II, but he was Pope for 26 years and, honestly, I just haven't buried him in my mind, you know? Anyway, Benedict was in Prague talking to politicians and diplomats. He was being projected on the big screen. And I only wish I could've heard the conversation among the press. There was a rather large multi-legged creature on him. Now, he had his Pope robes on. Yes, I know they are called vestments. So, he really couldn't feel the spider. But it stood out in great relief against all the white. Imagine you're watching it as it gets closer, closer, closer, ah it's on his face. That's when he brushed it away. It ended up crawling down him and returning to its web. Now, you can't just rush the Pope and squash it. That would be gross and the Swiss Guard would think you were attacking him. But doesn't he have people who could've removed it? Believe me, I have people who tell me when I have lipstick on my teeth. The Pope has to have people who could just brush away an enormous spider. Wouldn't you think?
Search the internet for a new game in town it's called Nosh for Posh. The idea is to throw food at an underweight Posh Spice. Ah, comedy.
Check out www.thejaneellen.com. When you go to Cook Jane the banner does something magical. Ooh. My webmaster has some serious skills. Adam has much to say about the Wizard of Oz in Geek Chic. And that's just the beginning. You have a lot to do and many new things to experience so start poking around, and sign up for the giveaway while you're at it.
Seems Miley Cyrus has a cameo in Sex and the City 2. She and Samantha are at the same red carpet event. Samantha has gone to great pains to dress young and hip and they are both wearing the same dress. She has no lines in the movie.
Jim expressed his distress over Popeye cartoons. Yes, Bluto could be tried for assault and attempted rape. But nobody talks about that.
Justin Guarini (American Idol Season 1 runner up to Kelly Clarkson in case you didn't know) got married. He co-hosts Idol Tonight on the TV Guide Network and is working on his third album.
October 28 is when Michael Jackson: This Is It will be released in theaters. Fans lined up for three days ahead of time just to get preview tickets. 3,000 tickets were available and they were gone in two hours.
I realize it is my failing as a Catholic to keep forgetting that Benedict is the Pope and not JP II, but he was Pope for 26 years and, honestly, I just haven't buried him in my mind, you know? Anyway, Benedict was in Prague talking to politicians and diplomats. He was being projected on the big screen. And I only wish I could've heard the conversation among the press. There was a rather large multi-legged creature on him. Now, he had his Pope robes on. Yes, I know they are called vestments. So, he really couldn't feel the spider. But it stood out in great relief against all the white. Imagine you're watching it as it gets closer, closer, closer, ah it's on his face. That's when he brushed it away. It ended up crawling down him and returning to its web. Now, you can't just rush the Pope and squash it. That would be gross and the Swiss Guard would think you were attacking him. But doesn't he have people who could've removed it? Believe me, I have people who tell me when I have lipstick on my teeth. The Pope has to have people who could just brush away an enormous spider. Wouldn't you think?
Search the internet for a new game in town it's called Nosh for Posh. The idea is to throw food at an underweight Posh Spice. Ah, comedy.
Check out www.thejaneellen.com. When you go to Cook Jane the banner does something magical. Ooh. My webmaster has some serious skills. Adam has much to say about the Wizard of Oz in Geek Chic. And that's just the beginning. You have a lot to do and many new things to experience so start poking around, and sign up for the giveaway while you're at it.
9.25.2009
The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #143 Fri 09.25.09
Headlines should be newsworthy, don't you think? But "Jon Gosselin rides ATV, smokes cigarette" really now. How about "Jane Ellen does dishes" does that rate? Jim says that never happens so if I did actually do the dishes it would make the headlines. Seriously.
Opening today Surrogates is a PG 13 sci-fi action with Bruce Willis. Fame, yes, remember my name. It's a remake of the 1980 film, it's a PG 13 drama/musical with Debbie Allen (who said one word "wicked" in the original film and was in the TV show), Kelsey Grammer, Megan Mulally and Bebe Neuwirth, and Michael Moore's documentary Capitalism: A Love Story.
Barbie is getting a live action film just like GI Joe and Transformers did, only I don't think there will be things blowing up. I have offered myself as Barbie's friends hot mom who looks like a MILF but is really just the cool mom whose husband is played by George Clooney. It sounds perfect, doesn't it?
Let's talk about penises, shall we? Some nut job, I couldn't help it, thought that it would be a grand idea to make his longer by attaching a metal weighted ring to his. After about three days it started to cut off circulation and his member turned black and swelled up about five times its normal size. Emergency workers had to sedate him and tie him down to remove the metal ring to save his penis which was about to die because the blood flow had been cut off. Craaaazy.
And, in a related note, a judge had to think really hard about this one. Was it animal cruelty or just weird when a police officer put his penis in the mouths of five calves. Did the bovines think they would be getting milk? So bizarre. He is no longer a police officer and has many, many issues. I think that much is obvious.
Be sure and sign up for the Manhattan Salon giveaway on the main page of the website at www.thejaneellen.com. Have a terrific weekend.
Opening today Surrogates is a PG 13 sci-fi action with Bruce Willis. Fame, yes, remember my name. It's a remake of the 1980 film, it's a PG 13 drama/musical with Debbie Allen (who said one word "wicked" in the original film and was in the TV show), Kelsey Grammer, Megan Mulally and Bebe Neuwirth, and Michael Moore's documentary Capitalism: A Love Story.
Barbie is getting a live action film just like GI Joe and Transformers did, only I don't think there will be things blowing up. I have offered myself as Barbie's friends hot mom who looks like a MILF but is really just the cool mom whose husband is played by George Clooney. It sounds perfect, doesn't it?
Let's talk about penises, shall we? Some nut job, I couldn't help it, thought that it would be a grand idea to make his longer by attaching a metal weighted ring to his. After about three days it started to cut off circulation and his member turned black and swelled up about five times its normal size. Emergency workers had to sedate him and tie him down to remove the metal ring to save his penis which was about to die because the blood flow had been cut off. Craaaazy.
And, in a related note, a judge had to think really hard about this one. Was it animal cruelty or just weird when a police officer put his penis in the mouths of five calves. Did the bovines think they would be getting milk? So bizarre. He is no longer a police officer and has many, many issues. I think that much is obvious.
Be sure and sign up for the Manhattan Salon giveaway on the main page of the website at www.thejaneellen.com. Have a terrific weekend.
9.24.2009
The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #142 Thu 09.24.09
No big surprises on DWTS. Macy Gray and Ashley Hamilton were the first two celebrities to be eliminated. It's not just about skills, or lack thereof, it's about fan base. And, because I'm about shameless self-promotion, I almost qualify now for Dancing With the Almost Recognizable.
Wednesday I was part of a country music video. I won't tell you what it was. Yet. But it does feature two major male country music singers who do not normally sing together. I met some fabulous people. And do not say that sarcastically either. I have many stories to share. I only told a few on today's show due to my increased tendency to ramble. The extreme lack of sleep was really kicking my arse. I told you I would arrive in my AC/DC shirt to show how I cool I was. It worked on Nathan who recognized my coolness immediately and we bonded. Nathan Stoops is not only super hot, he is a songwriter and is country singer Chris Cagle's fiddle player. He also has a wicked sense of humor. And he can transform into Cary Elwes circa The Princess Bride. "As you wiiiish!"
I will save my mocking of Cassie's food choices for a later show, because it's worth it. Some photos are up on my Facebook, more to come. The video should be done in about 2-3 weeks. Besides one of the singers, d'oh, I am the only one wearing a black hat. No, not a cowboy hat, but a vintage pillbox with a veil. No, it's not over my face take that back how dare you!
Hey, it's National Punctuation Day. Punctuation and spelling, two things that really, really need to be checked. Especially if it's on a sign. So what I love about this site is if you see something incorrect on a sign, they'll post the picture you send. Ah, that's rich. I'll say.
The Facebook movie is actually going to be called The Social Network. I had no idea Jim was such a huge fan of Justin Timberlake's acting skills. But he has seen all of his movies. No lie. He says he's very good. And that's a big deal because Jim hates everyone. Justin has been cast as Sean Parker who started Napster and had a hand in Facebook as well.
In North America, Japan (where our Brien Travis is HUGE), and in Great Britain, The Beatles sold 2.25 million copies of the remastered box sets which are roughly $300 each. Yowza. Oh, in five days.
Flash Forward makes its debut tonight TV. Listen up. It's a SCRIPTED television show. I know, I know. How fresh. Now it is against Survivor Samoa. But still, record it. The entire world blacks out at the same time and gets a glimpse of what they will be doing six months in the future. So the question is, do we see it play out? Will the couple about to be married and who have seen themselves miserable go through with it? Will those who see nothing do things differently because they will be dead? Can the future be changed? Fascinating. Sounds a bit Lostian, yet I am intrigued.
Wednesday I was part of a country music video. I won't tell you what it was. Yet. But it does feature two major male country music singers who do not normally sing together. I met some fabulous people. And do not say that sarcastically either. I have many stories to share. I only told a few on today's show due to my increased tendency to ramble. The extreme lack of sleep was really kicking my arse. I told you I would arrive in my AC/DC shirt to show how I cool I was. It worked on Nathan who recognized my coolness immediately and we bonded. Nathan Stoops is not only super hot, he is a songwriter and is country singer Chris Cagle's fiddle player. He also has a wicked sense of humor. And he can transform into Cary Elwes circa The Princess Bride. "As you wiiiish!"
I will save my mocking of Cassie's food choices for a later show, because it's worth it. Some photos are up on my Facebook, more to come. The video should be done in about 2-3 weeks. Besides one of the singers, d'oh, I am the only one wearing a black hat. No, not a cowboy hat, but a vintage pillbox with a veil. No, it's not over my face take that back how dare you!
Hey, it's National Punctuation Day. Punctuation and spelling, two things that really, really need to be checked. Especially if it's on a sign. So what I love about this site is if you see something incorrect on a sign, they'll post the picture you send. Ah, that's rich. I'll say.
The Facebook movie is actually going to be called The Social Network. I had no idea Jim was such a huge fan of Justin Timberlake's acting skills. But he has seen all of his movies. No lie. He says he's very good. And that's a big deal because Jim hates everyone. Justin has been cast as Sean Parker who started Napster and had a hand in Facebook as well.
In North America, Japan (where our Brien Travis is HUGE), and in Great Britain, The Beatles sold 2.25 million copies of the remastered box sets which are roughly $300 each. Yowza. Oh, in five days.
Flash Forward makes its debut tonight TV. Listen up. It's a SCRIPTED television show. I know, I know. How fresh. Now it is against Survivor Samoa. But still, record it. The entire world blacks out at the same time and gets a glimpse of what they will be doing six months in the future. So the question is, do we see it play out? Will the couple about to be married and who have seen themselves miserable go through with it? Will those who see nothing do things differently because they will be dead? Can the future be changed? Fascinating. Sounds a bit Lostian, yet I am intrigued.
9.23.2009
The Jane Ellen Experience Podcast Summary #141 Wed 09.23.09
I am just leaving for the Music City for an undisclosed location. Well, undisclosed to the public, to shoot a country music video. So this is not much of a blog. Why I felt the need to totally doll up at this ungodly hour when I am headed into glam (that's industry talk for hair and make up) only shows the depth of my narcissm. I am wearing my Shane Langford distressed black jeans that rock and my AC/DC jeans. That means I'm cool. Just putting it out there. I will be all done up as a rich woman. Which I'm not, but have every desire to be. Why? Because my family has instilled in me the taste for finer things. Why? Because they don't break as quickly.
Jim and I discuss DWTS. See, I am such a minor, minor celeb I practically qualify for the show now. Kelly Osbourne was surprisingly good. Listen to the show. It'll make me feel happy. The site is experiencing a fall makeover. Dig it. Go to www.thejaneellen.com. And register for the chemical peel from Manhattan Salon. We will give away three of them, each worth $100. You do have to be able to get yourself to the salon on your own dime though.
Jim and I discuss DWTS. See, I am such a minor, minor celeb I practically qualify for the show now. Kelly Osbourne was surprisingly good. Listen to the show. It'll make me feel happy. The site is experiencing a fall makeover. Dig it. Go to www.thejaneellen.com. And register for the chemical peel from Manhattan Salon. We will give away three of them, each worth $100. You do have to be able to get yourself to the salon on your own dime though.
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